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Looking to rekindle your dull sex life? A radical new theory proposes talking less and being more distant in the marriage

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For many married couples, having sex is like mating in captivity. Sure, at one time it was whoopee on the hour, every hour – but now between the kids, in-laws, deadlines, working out, bills and car pools, the whoopee has to be timed, planned and filofaxed. Think ‘once a month’ and if you’re lucky, on birthdays and anniversaries.

Oh, hold on – make that only if you’re really lucky!

Not surprisingly, one increasingly comes across couples who are committed to each other yet bored of each other in bed. The spark’s become a flicker, if at all. Sure, the love, security and friendship is all there – things that initially seemed most important for the relationship – but it’s the danger and risk that’s missing. We want what we don’t have, and when we get it (yawn), it doesn’t seem so exciting anymore. Could that be what Freud meant by “Where they love, they cannot desire”?

Well, that’s what Manhattan-based therapist Esther Perel explores in her controversial new book, ‘Mating In Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic’.

Instead of sticking to each other like Post-Its, she propounds talking less and being more distant as a way to keep the home fires burning. Not only does that create mystery and uncertainty, it allows you to explore your own other interests, make new friends and ‘cultivate private gardens’.

“Privacy seems to destroy intimacy but actually enhances it,” explains Esther in a magazine interview. “Mystery can be nothing more than a shift in perception, but couples often go wrong by groping for greater closeness when, in fact, it’s autonomy that produces the magic bond. Not everything should be shared.” Unlike love, she feels sexual excitement thrives on power plays, role reversals, kinky fantasies and seductive manipulations.

“Married couples have a tendency to share everything. And it can become like a routine, sharing each and every part of one another’s lives, to the point of humdrum,” says actor/TV anchor, Archana Puran Singh. “So you have to let yourself grow individually as well as together. Because otherwise there will be no mystery or newness – there is no ‘I’, there is only ‘we’, and we can be boring.”

Archana, who’s been married to Parmeet Sethi for the last 14 years, advises, “You have to work towards creating the chemistry again. Constantly exciting each other’s senses – not just sexually, but mentally also.”

Former actor Raveena Tandon provides another point of view. “Anil and I will be completing three years of marriage. We talk to each other at least ten times a day. If I don’t share with him everything that happens in my life, I start getting withdrawal symptoms.”

She adds, “To keep the sexual intimacy and romance alive in our relationship is not difficult because we both are die-hard romantics. Anil till now continues to buy me flowers and chocolates. Through the day, we send silly notes or corny SMSs to each other.”

In stark contrast to Esther’s theory, sexologist Prakash Kothari insists the most important thing for a couple is communication. “I think the real four-letter word is TALK. That’s the only way you’ll know your partner’s desires,” he stresses. “Verbal or non-verbal communication is the key to a great sex life.” Did someone just say whoopee!

d_farhad@dnaindia.net

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