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When your spouse cheats on you... financially

Spouse lies about expenditure, income, saving and investments to other people

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In the fall of 2016, as Radhika and Amit's marriage was being fixed, he inflated his monthly income and lied about his business. Every month, Benguluru's Shantanu found that his wife asked for Rs 9,000-10,000 more than the budget as the month-end drew near; he discovered that she was keeping the money in a separate bank account. The Chaturvedis of Mumbai fight every month as Reena asks uncomfortable questions about her travelling salesman husband Ronit's credit card statement that shows huge amounts being spent but no clear answers come. Welcome to the dark world of 'financial infidelity', a taboo that is not spoken about but has been experienced by a large proportion of married people. DNA Money talks to experts about what constitutes financial cheating in a marriage, and what can be done to avoid this breach of trust.

Cheating isn't always physical or emotional: Cheating on a significant other does not always involve physical or emotional issues. Financial infidelity is harder to spot, but has the potential to damage a marriage as much as any betrayal. But what exactly is financial cheating? Lying to your partner about money is one example. Other instances are hiding financial details or transactions like saving, spending and even investing. Incurring a sizeable loan or even lending to friends/family/colleagues without disclosing the information to your spouse falls under financial unfaithfulness.

Says Amar Pandit, founder, HappynessFactory.in,"...in today's fast-moving times, it is becoming more and more common. Financial infidelity basically means not being completely honest about money matters with your spouse. These money secrets could be as small as stashing up some savings on the side, splurging on unnecessary luxuries or as big as taking on personal debt or mortgaging your assets. When money matters are not actively discussed between partners, it leads to a communication gap in the relationship."

Lying is the only way out when you spend and take financial decisions that may not be in tune with your spouses' money habits. "In the long run this may lead to distrust, arguments and in extreme cases may be even land up in a divorce. Apart from the emotional stress, the financial impact of the same could be disastrous, as one may land up losing a sizeable portion of their wealth in a legal tussle of separation," says Pandit.

A case in point being: Radhika may have forgiven Amit for lying about his income, but she does not trust him anymore with money. "I earn a salary so I am not dependent on him. But the trust factor is missing. When I see him sitting or watching TV, I sometimes get irritated. But this is India, we can't break marriages since its a life-time commitment," Radhika shares, hiding the despair in her voice.

Not at the expense of another : It is very important for partners to share their individual values when it comes to money and jointly set financial goals for the family. This way financial decisions can be taken together, towards achieving these financial goals.

Couples today have to take care of numerous responsibilities and this often puts pressure on the relationship. The only way you can achieve financial prosperity is by playing as a team.

Radhika Binani, chief products officer, Paisabazaar.com advises, "Have open conversations regularly to understand each other's financial proclivity and find a common ground to build a strong financial plan, without compromising on each other's lifestyle choices."

The key, for both husband and wife, is to find a balance between contributing towards common goals and planning for their own individual lifestyle. "While planning for common financial goals is important, it should not be at the cost of personal aspirations of an individual. But, this should not lead you to hide crucial financial decisions from your spouse," adds Binani.

Some people are married in all ways, barring the monetary part. "Its like an open marriage in which one spouse spends lavishly while the other one saves for retirement. Such opposite financial behaviors can be breeding ground for financial infidelity," says Anil Rego, CEO, Right Horizons. Without common goals, there is no point in having one joint account for family when at heart such partners have very different motives when it comes to finance, he warns.

LOOK FOR RED FLAGS

  • Spouse lies about expenditure, income, saving and investments to other people
     
  • Spouse becomes defensive or refuses to discuss finances despite nudges
     
  • Spouse doesn't want you to know anything about the family finances
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