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The words that are going to be bandied about in the next few days are likely to be: variations of Ronald (Ronaldo, Ronaldinho), Beckham, Ballast, Henry, Maradona, Pele, penalties, goals, kicks, hands of god, feet of god, acts of god, off-side…

Before you go off the side, it's football's biggest event and you can't grudge half of human kind a little pleasure. The truth is that many of them had never heard of Ronald, Ho, Ham or Last till recently. But it's a guy thing, they have to be into it even if ambient knowledge is zilch. They don't know the difference between Salgaocar and Dempo, have never heard of Mohun Bagan and Mohammedan Sporting and most likely think that Baichung Bhutia is famous for climbing Mount Everest. Suddenly though, they're experts on what Platini thought of his World Cup semi-final with Germany in 1982. Never mind that.

Being female in the middle of the football season is a privilege that comes to India very rarely (see above for reasons). We're married to the cricket stuff. Though how women find big-bottomed men in awful polyester pants attractive has mystified me. The mystique of cricket I get—hey, I've read Cardus cover to cover and that's more than most of you guys have done. But hot bods and cricket? Please.

So, in a word, I tell you why football is important for the female of the species. Thighs. These are well-toned men in the prime of fitness. They have to do a lot more than waddle between the wickets. (Yes, yes I know cricket is a mind game, when was the last time a chess player became a sex symbol?)

That means you can watch fine-looking men in shorts chasing a ball. Broad shoulders, hair flying, muscled calves. A football field is 90 to 100 meters long and 25 to 90 meters wide, so there's a lot running to do. There are 11 players to a team, two teams, so a lot of men to watch. If you are to take this seriously, and you should, it may be important to know the difference between football and, well, other kinds of football. In this one, they can use their feet and heads, only the goalie uses his hands. In American football, you only use your hands and rugby is where all the men jump on top of each other and see how much that mass can wiggle.

The aim of soccer is simple: to get the ball into the other side's goal or stop the other side from getting the ball into yours. When some players have been bad, they are shown a card by the referee. Sometimesthey attack each other which is foul. Really.

Football actually is exciting, it's short and it's easy to understand (ball, run, kick, hit with head and so on). Er, don't forget the good-looking men (apart from the buck-toothed Ronald, but he's cute in his own way and if you have low standards). You're not going to be able to ignore it anyway, so you must as well enjoy the display of sheer male power.

Many women feel widowed during the football season and book themselves into spas. This is the worst kind of escapism. It is much more fun be there and ask the absurdest questions you can think of. Like, “why don't they match the uniforms of the opposing teams” and such. This is guaranteed to drive a man wild and what more could any woman want out of life?