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ShareThe New Year always incites in me an inexplicable feeling that wants something new. At least that is how I explain January; the rest of the year is what I struggle with.
This time I am trying to play truant (or miscreant) and penning new wine terms. For too long we have identified and described wines with terms that were more befitting royalty and their banquet attendees. Wine is no more royalty; it is more common than ever. It doesn't move around in royal horse-driven carriages; it commutes by metro.
It isn't living off old wealth but probably works a day-time job like most of us. So, to update the wine parlance quotient, I have put together a small collection of more usable if slightly risque wine terms.
Affinity: I am always confused when I say that I do not drink alcohol in excess but I do love wine. And that is when someone suggested this word. From now on, we can all safely admit that we have 'an affinity' for wine and not be gifted a certificate to the next Alcoholics Anonymous. It is a convenient consumption pattern term that places us somewhere comfortably between abstinence and binge-drinking.
Indian Gifting: Again, I borrow from Western usage. An Indian giver is considered one who takes back or borrows what s/he has just gifted. With wine, it refers to a bottle that you take to a friend's place but wish to partake of it and not just leave it to rot in his stock pile. Thus when you tell someone that you will be 'Indian gifting' him/her a wine, it should send the clear signal that they should keep glasses and wine opener ready and
refrain from serving you general plonk.
The 'LPR's: Abbreviation for Liquid Pants Remover, this is the term to describe those soft fruity easy-to-like wines which can charm anybody, even the un-vinous. Most useful for getting dates drunk and the rest is pretty much self-explanatory. I would mostly reserve this term for New World Pinot Noirs, Barbera from Italy, St Laurent from Austria and Beaujolais from France.
'Doing the MJ': Yet another controversial one, this would refer to opening up a bottle of wine that is well too young, way before its time has come. The wine would obviously taste insipid, ink-like and devoid of any aromas and flavours. Sadly, once opened, the bottle is as good as wasted.
'Wifebeaters': Now, before you go reporting me for using such a derogatory term, it already exists as a slang word used to describe a sleeveless vest. It is also the word used to describe rum generally and that is where my borrowing validity comes in. Today wines are made with such high alcohol content, it makes me wonder how much is actually global warming and how much is the winemaker trying to make a medal-winning show-horse of a wine. Sure these wines have all the body of Monica Bellucci and the sass of Angelina Jolie but they lack the timeless beauty of a belle like Nargis.
This term is hence to be used in a belittling manner to describe all such wines which are high in alcohol and take all the fun out of enjoying wine for its nuances. It in no way is meant to encourage people to be unruly to their wives.
Shocked? I thought so. But I assure you that if used with prudence, such terms make wine more fun. Go ahead, invent some of your own, but don't blame me if they send the men in uniform after you!
The writer is a sommelier
