Column

Dear Reader

I really can’t understand this nonsense about not having cheerleaders in Mumbai’s IPL matches. Vulgar, they say.

What’s vulgar about nubile girls with sculpted bodies in curious underwear brandishing pompoms in a cricket field? And how can Maharashtra, the state which flaunts thousands of starving farmers’ deaths each year, find anything vulgar?

Meanwhile, the price rise has spiralled out of control, and the PM has warned political parties against scare-mongering about food scarcity. Of course we have food. It’s only that we price it out of reach of the masses. Then there is the small matter of wastage.

Bad storage and corruption at distribution facilities cost us about 20 million tonnes of food-grains in preventable losses every year. Besides, millions of Indians don’t have jobs, so how do you expect people with no earnings to feed themselves and their families? It’s all perfectly logical.

And in such a gloomy country, a bit of kick-ass cheerleading is essential, don’t you think? We should groom our own cheerleaders, put them in khadi and send them out to Go! Fight! Win! as they do in the US. It builds the spirit. And it’s pretty mindless — so it shouldn’t be a problem for our politicians.

Unfortunately, I haven’t seen any IPL cheerleading, so am unsure about the Indian trend. But going by the general trends of cheerleading, it shouldn’t be tough. The sarkari cheerleaders in khadi kurtas and handloom saris could stand ramrod straight around a harmonium, in the hallowed tradition of Doordarshan, and sing:

Stronger than steel,/Blazing like the sun;/Manmohan won’t stop,/ Till he gets the job done!

This is likely to be followed by a speech or two. Come elections, these cheerleaders could break into Bharatnatyam while letting out dignified, melodious shouts of: Gimme a V! Gimme an O! Gimme a T! Gimme an E! Gimme a V-O-T-E!

As ordinary mortals who don’t mind being shameless copycats, we the people could do it more in the original cheering style of twist and shout. We could get out there with pompoms and scream, “Gimme a J! Gimme an O! Gimme a B! What does that spell? Can’t you tell? Then Gimme an E! Gimme a D! Gimme a U! Gimme an E-D-U-C-A-T-I-O-N!” Then, clap-clap, stomp-stomp, jump, and you are on track.

If we feel energetic, we could proceed further, and holler and clap: Stand up,/it’s time to shout/

Come on Indians,/Yell it out/Say it loud/Say it proud/Go India!/Go! Go! Go!/Stand up and show/ Them what we know!

See, it’s pretty easy. And it can be fun, once you get used to jumping and clapping out there to silly ditties. To protest the spiralling rise in food prices, we could yell: “Gimme an F! Gimme an O! Another O! Gimme a D!” Unfortunately, the government doesn’t always give an F.

Which means we need to be more combative. Like: Hey sarkar, hey hey hey/Listen to what we got to say./You think politics is just a game/Oh dear what a ruddy shame!/Stand up and cheer!/ Let ‘em know we’re here!/Come on
Indians don’t be lame!/We’ll win the game!
Clap, clap! Stomp, stomp! Clap, clap!

We are the people/ We’re feeling fine!/ You mess with us/ We’ll blow your mind!
Clap, clap! Stomp, stomp! Clap, clap!

Lookie here, you gravy train,/You let us down we’ll fuse your brain!/ We know hunger, desperation too/You mess with us, we’ll mess with you!
Hey sarkar, hey hey hey
Ready to play?
Clap, clap! Stomp, stomp! Clap, clap!
Could be fun, what? Let’s not bar the cheerleaders. Let’s learn from them.
The writer is Editor, The Little Magazine.
Email: sen@littlemag.com