Column

Double helix

How do you ascertain the success of a column? How do you know your message has touched the hearts and minds of readers? How good is a column if there’s no interaction between writers and readers? What is the best way of writing a column? And, are columns relevant anymore?

Well, if you apply a simple thumb rule — SMSes from friends and emails from readers — then most columnists fail to get reader traction. Well, I can’t speak for every columnist, so I’ll dwell on this particular column and try to resolve the ‘curious case of a column that didn’t bark’.

Let’s get the facts first. A weekly column must get at least 50 emails and 100 SMSes, or a score of 50/100, to be considered a success. That’s its critical mass. Anything below 25/50 — 25 emails and 50 SMSes — would mean the columnist failed to drive home the point. Or that he/she was too tired after a hectic week to come up with a great idea.

But there could be other reasons. Maybe the subjects columnists choose do not find resonance among the young. Why would a reader want to read about the nuclear deal, the Ram Setu project, Sonia Gandhi’s visit to the US, or the political pingpong in Karnataka? Why can’t a columnist write about Kareena Kapoor’s new boyfriends, argue why Deepika Padukone’s accent is her biggest unique sexual proposition, or compare the wild habits of Lindsay

Lohan and Paris Hilton?
Maybe readers, after tasting success in the stock-and-realty markets, only seek heady, feel-good, happening stories. Perhaps it’s a good idea to write about real-estate opportunities in Chhatisgarh, Tumkur, and Rameswaram. Echoing the feel-good sentiment, a friend told me the other day that he was disappointed with the coverage of SUVs — big boys’ newest toys — in Indian newspapers.

“Every T, D and Harry has an SUV in mind when he negotiates a salary. And when the stakes are high, V6 options are discussed. Soon, even V8 offroaders may be on the negotiating table.”

Columnist Charles Krauthammer once said the best way to write a column was to replicate a conversation. Just imagine a conversation over dinner, where you are trying to explain an issue, scale up a point, or scope out an argument. Ask yourself whether you can explain complex issues simply to the audience. Now, can you do all that in a column? If so, readers would be as engrossed as your family and friends at a dinner discussion.

Well, Indian dinners are typically dominated by non-stop TV, where Ektaa Kapoor’s numerous heroines plot and subplot. If you start discussing Kashmir, Manmohan Singh, or Myanmar, you may not be invited again. Forget the column; just shut up. After all, families that drive V6 vehicles don’t discuss onion prices.

That brings me to my own scorecard. I have never touched the weekly magic figure of 100 SMSes, or 50 emails, though I have sincerely followed the push strategy of emailing links to my online friends. I am now seriously thinking of hiring column-recovery agents to ensure that everyone reads what they are supposed to. So, even if they don’t read anything during weekdays, they would at least soak up knowledge in equated weekly instalments every Sunday. I’m just joking.

The Office, a BBC telly-serial about a boss, provides interesting insights not only to viewers but to columnists like me as well. David Brent, the boss, gives leadership a new perspective: “I suppose I’ve created an atmosphere where I am a friend first and a boss second, probably an entertainer third.” Unless columnists think they are entertainers first, writers second, and thought leaders third, they will not be able to stir audiences.

Today’s audiences like ideas less; they love SMSes more. Look at the number of jokes forwarded from mobile to mobile. In fact, the SMS has become the primary reading material of GenXers. If columns are as funny as SMS jokes, they could get at least 100,000 emails from readers every week.

With these insights, I may have just cracked the curious case of the column that doesn’t bark — or snigger. It may be the beginning of a long weekly SMS.

Email: vinaykamat@dnaindia.net