Column

This here today is not about the joys of over-indulgence, the headiness of excess alcohol; this is, boringly enough, about bad wine. A wine so bad that you have to send it back and call for another: the second bottle.

It’s not as easy as it sounds. Few people ever manage to get around to this stage; most abort prematurely. Wine ordering is an ordeal in itself. So to send one back and then re-sit re-think re-work and re-enact the whole process can be a bit too taxing and demanding. Most people just ask the server to bring them something red and wine-like, not too young nor too old and not frightfully expensive and leave it at that.

So, how do you tell if the wine is off? Well, if I could tell an off wine all the time I could retire and move to Hollywood; I am sure someone would want to do a biopic on such truly marvellous stuff. It would also be psychic: nobody I know always gets it right and if in a group, there will often be disputed bottles where some feel it is off and others don’t.
Sure when a wine turns to vinegar it is easy to tell, unless someone really enjoys the taste of expensive and incidental salad dressing. Trouble is when wine is partially off. When it isn’t completely rubbish but it has begun showing signs of being rotten. How do we call a bottle then? We all have a personal threshold to what we consider acceptable and so calling a wine off can be very subjective.

The first thing is to not let your sensibilities be clouded by prior consumption of copious amounts of intoxicants or by the views of another — both are deadly. Think and taste for yourself. If the taste seems odd or not exactly pleasing, proceed with caution. Don’t just up and announce the wine as a bad but see what reactions it produces in others. A general consensus is a good indicator.

Always take more than one sip to determine if something appears wrong in the wine. This is because depending on what you have or have not been eating/drinking/smoking prior to trying the wine, it can make the taste seem altered. A couple of sips help rest the palate and acclimatise and what seemed like the taste of cork may now seem like soft oakiness, a green and unripe note may now seem classic Sauvignon Blanc.

One caveat here is when trying a new wine — that is, a wine style, region, or grape that you don’t know from previous tastings as you wouldn’t know if the wine is off or if it is just the taste of that wine which is not to your liking. I would suggest asking the sommelier/steward/manager but most would sooner serve you poison and watch you writhe than write off a bottle on their cost. In the slight possibility they have a human ethical gene, chances are they too are absolutely ignorant. But do ask them, you have little to lose. If you can’t appreciate the taste even after a couple of sips by all means request utterly gently for the wine to be changed. If the wine was recommended by the hotel staff, then demand a change and tell them to step on it; nobody got younger while waiting.

In the end, calling a bad wine is a lot like cricket, no matter how many matches he oversees, an umpire still often isn’t sure about calls. He awards some, rejects others, game goes on. Play wine with the right spirit, rest follows.
The writer is a sommelier