Column

Sotto voce

Annus horribilis is drawing to a close. It should have been a memorable year, given how it began — the economy in good form, the markets booming, inflation at a low, jobs galore, the neighbourhood peaceful and the world making a beeline to our door. Today the situation is the exact opposite — forget the tanked markets, no one is sure he will still have a job six months later. As if the meltdown was not enough, the terrorist attacks have further dampened the mood and now there is threat of a war.

In this frame of mind, it is difficult to summon up cheer. Temporary relief is possible — the theatres are full and liquor sales are up — but that's about it. People want solace and succour, and are turning to spirituality and spirits. God is always available round the street corner in India, but for those who want to be cutting edge and non-traditional, there are new age gurus galore. If you can afford it, psychiatrists may be the answer.

But there are simpler — and cheaper — ways to vent your frustration too. So pick up your darts and aim them at the winners of our dubious achievement awards for 2008:

1.The "ethnic cleanser of the year" award: Winner-Raj Thackeray. The MNS chief began his party with great promises about making it an inclusive organisation, welcoming Muslims, Dalits and everyone else in it. But soon enough he realised that nothing in his political education had prepared him for bhai-chara. He quickly referred to his text-books and came upon the one chapter he remembered well — how to bash up poor, helpless people. Since Muslims were too many and Dalits too politically organised, the uttar Bharatiyas were the obvious targets. For some time it looked like Mumbai would return to the bad old days of 1993. But then it all fizzled out. When the terrorists attacked, Mumbaikars realised they needed the NSG, not Thackeray's goons and now it looks like his Kodak moment has come and gone.

2.The "journalism, what's that" award: winner — 24/7 news channels. We were used to the silly gaffes and hyper coverage of TV channels and we had even come to accept stories about women who turned into snakes, but the low point of television news came when the media hounded the father of Aarushi Talwar, the teenager who was found dead in her flat in Noida. Talwar was arrested and the media had a whale of a time coming up with the most vile, unsubstantiated rumours that were passed on as fact. No apology was issued even when he was let off by the CBI.

3.The "sorry for losing your money but can I get that bonus" award: winner — investment bankers, fund managers and the whole tribe of financial experts. Boy, did they get it wrong. How could a business, chock-a-block with the best brains and with the best education, screw up so majorly? As investors saw their life savings and pensions go down the toilet, and America turned into a socialist state, the only consolation is that banker has become a dirty word.

4.The "terror has no religion" award: winners — terrorists of all hues. When reports first started emerging of small Hindu groups who were also getting into this game, no one believed it. The arrest of Swami Pragya and others therefore came as a shock, more so since an army officer too was picked up. It was sad that Hemant Karkare, who was pilloried by the BJP and the Shiv Sena died, but heartening to note that the institutional process continues and the ATS is once again back at its job.

5.The "how to score self-goals continuously" award: winner — the BJP. After losing the general elections in 2004, the BJP has had a relatively good run at the state level. But then came the two shock losses in Rajasthan and Delhi. The BJP couldn't make up its mind whether it was for or against the nuclear deal. Every stunt it pulled — trying to topple the government during the presidential elections or waving wads of money in the house came a cropper. It goes into the general elections unsure of its main planks, not fully confident about its leader and not even sure who its allies will be.

6. The "what, me worry" award: winner - politicians and bureaucrats. While our constables fought with valour and the NSG responded with efficiency, the political class tried to make cheap political capital out of the terror attacks. Narendra Modi was out there trying to score points. Some politicians have lost their jobs, but the babu continues, supremely confident that nobody can touch him.

7.The "stuck-in-the-gullet award": winner — Pakistan. Madeline Albright, who should know, got it right — Pakistan is an international migraine. The country's establishment is too thick skinned to care less. They (especially the army) know that any which way they win; destablise them and the nuclear weapons could fall into the wrong hands. Try and help them get stability and they only become brazen. Truly the neighbours from hell.

The coming year seems very promising. The economists are spreading gloom and doom, the markets may dive further and job losses may become commonplace. But it is comforting to know that we will always have our netas and babus (and our television channels) around, making us smile in the worst times. Wishing you a happy 2009.