Undertakers should be buried, alive

For the Mumbai undertaker, funerals are just business, personal sentiments notwithstanding. They take you to the cleaners. Dying would be easier.

When my sister passed away last month, we called the undertaker and requested that he take her to the morgue, to be brought back on the day of burial, scheduled for a couple of days later.

Our undertaker was from central Mumbai. It was a Friday. His men arrived in a hearse that badly needed a bath.

The door had to be held up by a wooden stick, as it would not stay open. Transport charges for his trip from Bandra were Rs1,500. We chose a white coffin, worth Rs5,000, as she was a spinster, (not that he offered us much choice) and it was one of the less expensive ones. Teak coffins are frowned upon by the Catholic church, though many well-off Christians do use them. For the embalming, we paid Rs5,850 and the cold storage charges were Rs3,000. The doctor’s registration was a further Rs200.

My sister’s body arrived on Sunday in a closed coffin, which should not have been done. I was shocked at her appearance. The undertaker had shoved heavy cotton swabs into her nose and mouth, as if he thought she might want to have that sudden last breath. Her body was rock hard from the freezer and her face as red as a cherry. This may sound funny but her face had a kind of confused expression.

The pillow on which her head rested was hard as a rock, (no satin pillows that you see in the movies). The cloth that seeped out of the coffin looked like some leftover rag from a previous funeral. The fittings for the casket were loose and lacked alignment.

Worse, the undertaker charged us Rs500 for the dress that she was clothed in, and which WE had given him! Again, transport charges were Rs1,200 for bringing the body from central Mumbai to Bandra and from the residence to the church and then for burial. On the final journey from our residence, the driver of the hearse behaved as if he was a Formula One driver on his last lap. By the time we reached the church, we were breathless. Usually the chief undertaker himself attends the funeral and conducts the hymns/rosary, etc, but here, he deputed his lackeys, one of whom already looked like he would be kicking the bucket anytime.

Towards the end, when the coffin lid had to be shut after our final goodbyes, the ‘lackeys’ forgot to add lime powder. We requested for a lowering device; for 15 seconds of lowering the body, we were charged Rs2,000. For a couple of baskets of rose petals, we were charged another Rs2,000. The wooden cross that the undertaker forgot to get and had to be reminded about, he charged Rs750.

Grand total: Rs22,100 only. Value for money: None.

Of course, he reassured us that most funerals cost Rs70,000 to Rs1.5 lakh. From that point of view, I suppose we got off ‘lightly’. And this rip-off was from an undertaker who was known to the family.

Francis D’Sa is a magazine art director, who also dabbles in social issues