Parents spooked by ‘S’

The dreaded ‘S’ word has started spooking city parents. After a spate of student suicides since the beginning of the new year — 20 at the last count — and surveys bringing the role of excessive parental pressure under harsh scrutiny, parents are treading with caution.

Even as the class X and XII exam dates draw closer, many parents are reluctant to ask their children to study.

“Since the dates have been declared, worries have started surfacing. A little pressure is necessary, but I’m scared that it might push her over the edge,” says Reema Thakkar, whose daughter will be taking the class X exam in March.

“It is a catch-22 situation. On the one hand we are worried about exam results and competitive admissions while on the other, we can’t put any pressure on our children,’’ says Priya Rai whose daughter appears for the class XII exam in February.

Rai remembers shouting at her daughter to study when she was in class X, but after the recent events, she merely requests.
Harried parents have been making frantic calls, some as late as 1.30am, to psychologist Seema Hingorrany over the last few days. “I’m so scared, my child doesn’t study. What should I do?” is the usual refrain at the other end.

Over 34 class X and XII students have visited Hingorrany’s clinic over the last month with complaints ranging from examophobia to fear of failure.    

“Currently, with suicide cases being a hot topic in homes, the fear is being transferred to children. Abrupt statements like ‘don’t do this’, while referring to news reports on student suicides should be avoided at home,” she says. Just a few days ago, a 13-year-old at her clinic expressed, “If suicide is giving peace of mind, let me try it.”

Hingorrany advises parents to talk to children and calm their fears instead of turning on the pressure. She says, “Parents should explain the difference between exam results and career success, and convey how failure is also an important part of life.”

Parents must tell children that life is precious and suicide is not the right way to cope with problems, says Maya Kirpalani, consulting psychologist and family therapist at Jaslok & Bhatia Hospital.  She feels the present state of alarm is a knee-jerk reaction from parents.

“The suicides have jolted the parents. But the fact is the academic pressure on students starts from class 1, and not just in classes 8 and 9, or in SSC,” she said.

Hingorrany speaks of masked depression, in which children appear happy and display a clownish manner to mask their fears. “Talking and sharing anxieties is very important. But constantly nudging and nagging children to talk should be avoided.”

Even as some parents have quit jobs to keep a watch over their wards, others are adamant about keeping things normal. “What is there to happen in your future will happen,” is the simple line that maintains the sanity in the Kamat household.

“I have ensured that no one gets tense about exams at home. My daughter fixes her own study timetable,” says Savita Kamat whose daughter Amrita enjoys a much deserved afternoon nap after the gruelling class 10 school hours.

Dr Bharat Shah, psychiatrist, Lilavati Hospital, says, “It is understandable that some parents are scared now. But this is unnecessary. They must make an attempt to understand the child’s real needs.”

(Parents’ names changed on request)