Mumbai continues to strike the matchmaking pose

The time-honoured ritual of the matrimonial photo exchange might be dismissed by today’s youth, but it has failed to find a better substitute among those who choose to tread the path of arranged matrimony. However, serious intentions don’t always meet with serious candidates. Thirty-five-year-old NRI and investment banker Sudhir Nair still recalls his brush with the arranged marriage process during his visit to Mumbai last year. Single and suitably eligible, Sudhir decided to be a good sport and give it a go. “It was embarrassing for me to meet a girl, knowing that the only reason we had agreed to it was because we liked each other physically. Of course, the conversation thereafter usually took care of that,” he laughs.

While every community has its rules pertaining to the photo exchange, as per custom, the girl’s family must usually make the first move. Twenty-six-year-old Sowmya Jagannath, a PR executive, says, “Among South Indians, the man is given more importance. So the girl ends up being made the bakra and is displayed like a showpiece.” Himanshu Agarwal*, 29, confirms, “In the Marwari community, it would depend on how the two families got in touch in the first place, but if proper protocol were to be followed, it would be the girl.”

The most obvious shortcoming of the matrimonial photo route is that it allows first impressions to effectively be a family’s last.

Those who’ve been in the matchmaking circuit for long, soon catch wind of the commonly resorted to tricks for rejection. “It’s a well-known fact that you are asked to send a horoscope along with the photo so that they can turn down the girl gently by stating that the horoscope didn’t match. It’s a gentle way of saying we didn’t like your daughter,” says 28-year-old Archana Wagle*, who’s had her profile up on a matrimonial website for some years now. In spite of the vast potential for embarrassment, she rationalises, “If I see a boy’s profile without a photo, my first thought will be, ‘what’s wrong with him?’ So if I expect a photo from him, then it’s only fair I put one up myself,” she says, adding that the privacy settings on matrimonial websites ensure a certain level of security.

However, the prospect of a matrimonial photo is most terrifying for those not yet ready to tie the knot. Sowmya recalls her cousin’s wedding when all the single, young ladies in the family were summoned to the hall by the wedding photographer for an intensive photo session. “When the photos were printed, I took them immediately, because I knew what their future course would be. But that didn’t stop my family from taking the negatives, developing new photos and passing them around among matchmakers,” she says, adding that a mere photograph is easy to dismiss without knowing the person in the photo. She ponders, “I think a phone conversation is better to gauge somebody’s personality. After that, one can meet up for dinner.”

Psychotherapist Anshu Kulkarni agrees, “The initial communication should begin with an introduction to each other and finding out about their likes and dislikes, and their expectations. After a comfort level is achieved, photos should be the next step.” Yet, she believes marriage itself is a topic that parents can broach only once their son/daughter displays a certain maturity and willingness to engage in the process.

“If your child is not prepared to take up the responsibilities of a married life, no attempts at matchmaking will go smooth.” Media professional Reby Abraham still remembers how her friend in college, barely 18, refused to pose for single snaps because she was paranoid that one of those photos would fall in her parents’ hands and it would go to the ‘boy’s’ house.

“Ironically, she went abroad for higher studies and liked a guy from a photo her parents sent her,” Reby grins.
(*Names have been changed to protect identity)