Following news reports of Parliament's monkey menace, Malavika Sangghvi writes to Urban Development Minister Mr Venkaiah Naidu on his ingenious new solution
Dear Mr Venkaiah Naidu,
Ever since you demonstrated the breathtaking ingenuity of your mind and its staggering capacity of cognition by your unique solution to Parliament's irksome monkey menace, I knew I had to write to you.
Forty good men hired by the Indian government to act as langur monkeys to scare off the hundreds of macaques terrorising the poor MPs and staff in parliament and central government buildings? Thtchah! Your brilliance leaves me at a loss for words. Your sagacity lights up the night sky of human imagination, your creativity deserves mention in the footnotes of history. 'Monkey–slayer' your epitaphs will say. The Man who made monkey business of Parliament.
But we are getting ahead of ourselves. First the problem: according to newspaper reports ' monkeys 'roam freely over the vast open lawns of India Gate, and assail government buildings where they chew through internet and telephone cables, attack staff for food, and occasionally jump in through the windows and pace the corridors of power.'
This might seem a relatively trivial problem assailing the nation at the moment but as we know it's not to be sneezed at. In 2007 no less than Delhi's deputy mayor died, after falling off his balcony when attacked by monkeys!
This tragedy resulted in an army of 'monkey-catchers' who would roam the trouble spots with large leashed langurs in the hope that their smell would keep the rest of the simian populace at bay.
But of course as animal activists pointed out, this amounted to cruelty of animals and the practice was stopped following a court order.
This was followed by another stroke of genius by your fellow governmental colleagues: the attempt to mix oral contraceptives in monkey food to curb their population.
We do not know why that attempt failed. Perhaps it was found that this led to a black market in contraceptive prices? Perhaps it was discovered that the contraceptives were adulterated?
Who knows? But that scheme was abandoned too.
And so now we have the monkey brigade:
Forty grown men who will roam VIP areas in monkey suits, trained to make monkey noises and gestures to scare away the offending primates.
They will be paid Rs700-800, and with assured employment for at least 10-15 days a month, will earn around Rs7000 to 10,000.
We do not know if they will form a union or get PA and DA and tea and biscuits but I am sure august Parliamentary bodies will discuss the issues though.
Some of these men, it is reported have got the monkey grunt and the monkey snarl down to perfection. This of course is causing untold damage to their marital life and traumatizing their children, but that I am sure will be dealt with in the course of things.
But dear Mr Venkaiah Naidu Sir. Given your brilliance and unswerving commitment to solve Parliament's monkey menace, I wonder why it did not occur to your great sir for a simpler solution.
With almost 34% of Parliamentarians boasting of criminal records and with the kind of disruptions, slanging matches, furniture throwing and abuse that we see in Parliament on most days, Sir, why did you think of scaring away the monkey populace with men dressed as monkeys?
Surely, the sight is enough to scare the living daylights out of any creature, monkey or man?
Or perhaps I am missing something here Sir?
Give it a thought. Meanwhile all the very best with the monkey business.
Yours sincerely, etc
Malavika Sangghvi can be contacted at malavikasmumbai@gmail.com
The writer believes in the art of letter writing
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