Column

The Spectator

However much I think we are all deeply individualistic and unique examples of the diversity of human nature, I am coming round to the fact that in a very basic intrinsic way all women think the same.

This I have arrived at after many years of listening to women of all shapes, sizes, ages and positions.

All women for instance have a deep and abiding conviction that their husbands spoil the servants. And that goes for the kids too. Men, according to the female race, just don’t know how to say no, and are too free with their money.

Then again, all women universally think that their hair is too dark at the roots — and too light at the ends, (if you don’t believe me take a spot check yourself) and that some day they will have the time to read all the classics that they missed out on reading through their youth — around the same time that they will learn how to record their favourite TV shows.

Similarly, all woman regardless of their age, talent, shape or size believe deep down inside that their singing is under-appreciated, that they are being gypped on the household budget by their staff and that that their kids are undiscovered geniuses. Then again, all women believe that their favourite astrologer is somehow talking to only them in the morning papers, that they are the only ones in the world who still don’t understand how to convert from the metric system, that they’re too heavy around the thighs and that men who go on about Single Malt Whiskey are tiresome.

Also, all women have a secret envy of Monica Lewinsky, think golf jokes are just not funny, wonder why Sugar Free is not globally substituted for sugar, and can’t tell the difference between Coke and Pepsi — and really don’t care.

Then again, all women think they’re the only ones who cry in Bollywood movies, have a sneaking impression they are the only ones who don’t really understand spreadsheets, are bad at fractions, think they’ll make the world’s best mother in-laws, have yet to meet the tailor of their dreams, use their computers as word processors and think that they are the world’s best interior decorators.

All women believe they are experts at sniffing out a bargain, that they have too few shoes, that too much of a big deal is made about sex, that they have too many chores to complete daily and that they are the world’s best moms.

And, above all — all women think they know exactly what all men are thinking. So next week’s column is on what men think!

s_malavika@dnaindia.net