Column

In elections, platforms signify serious political agendas, ideas for development, and commitments to make citizens’ life better. But in the Mumbai vernacular, platforms often assume the meaning of ‘pavements’, and become the stage for the sordid ballet featuring squatters and a rubber-spined
government.

It is election time, ladies and gentlemen, and the bygone shanties are blossoming again. I have seen the relapse along the Tulsi Pipeline road; other Mumbaikars have reported their defiant reappearance in several more places.

This government had the Tulsi Pipeline cleared of the shanties sometime last year (though I doubt very much if Vilasrao Deshmukh would have resisted the temptation as a chief minister to show some accommodation to the real people of the soil while scattering poll-eve largesse).

Of course, I am not in any way disparaging the poor people; desperation overrides their anger at being exploited.

I mean to praise the exquisite amorality of politicians. They will clear the slums when our beloved metro needs the polish without the piss and spit. And they will invite the people back to their dreary domiciles in time for elections.

I want to adapt James Wood’s exasperated praise of John Updike and use it to salute our politicians. Wood said that Updike found it easier to stifle a yawn than to refrain from writing a book. In netas’ case, cut out the book writing part and add ‘showing insouciant cynicism’.

In the run-up to the US elections, dirt is dug up about the contenders. In Bill Clinton’s case, there were rumours that he used his gubernatorial position to yank one Ms Jennifer Flowers from a protective vase that gives independence to women to choose their sex partners.

When he became president, Bill’s position changed: he apparently preferred standing when one Ms Monica Lewinsky (the Microsoft spell-checker recognises the surname!) administered her affections.

In Bush’s case, dirt was dug up about his draft-dodging history, a stodgy but valid enquiry about a future commander-in-chief. Obama’s family tree was stripped to discern jehadi offshoots.

But in Mumbai, the dirt comes from dug-up roads. The sudden enthusiasm for excavation has constricted Mumbai’s roads. And remember the roads have already been atrophied by the return of the pavement shanties.

How does the government intend to clear the cogs? It wants to widen the roads by reclaiming gardens, such as the one targeted for clearing on the Napean Sea road.

So the digging will continue and more roads will come up. Gardens will disappear but pavements will sprout. The ecosystem thus created will be conducive to the establishment of an urban coral reef of shanties.

Roads will once again begin to cave in, necessitating further widening. With gardens gone, your sitting room may have to be sacrificed.

I had so much time to envision this future because I am caught in another gridlock. This one caused by the police nakabandi that filters traffic every 1,000 metres or so. Imagine if Arthur C Clarke had lived here rather than in Sri Lanka…!
Jai ho!