Column

The Spectator

Yesterday, I found myself on a catamaran heading for Alibagh along with an especially delicious slice of Mumbai and a boat-load of hurdy-gurdies.

For those of you for whom the weekend means sleeping in till the afternoon, and then having a late lunch and watching Koffee with Karan in the evening — this is how it’s done.

You set the alarm for seven; you pack a small overnighter (not too large as that will reveal that you are an Alibagh first-timer), take along a torch, some mosquito-repellent, a bottle of wine (beer you can buy in Mandwa) and something to read.

Then, like the delicious part of Mumbai that has houses across the sea, or friends who have houses across the sea, you buy your ticket at the Gateway stall and by 8 am you have set sail from Mumbai and are on your way to the Mandwa jetty.

In the catamaran always avoid the air-conditioned lower cabin and sit upstairs, on the open deck. That’s what the delicious slice of Mumbai does. This means that you are ecologically sound and environmentally appreciative. Or the other way around.The dark cool lower deck is meant for the hurdy-gurdies. Or that’s what the delicious slice of Mumbai maintains.

On the boat, of course, you must not sleep. You must unfolda heavy roll of the morning’s newspapers and read them carefully — especially the business sections, avoiding the colour supplements — which as you know are reserved for the hurdy-gurdies.

Once you have finished reading the papers with a suitably serious look on your face you can do one of two things. You can either turn to other members of the delicious slice of Mumbai that’s travelling along with you and discuss the day’s news — or you can talk about the rising land prices in Alibagh. If you have exhausted both these subjects you might talk about dogs. All members of the delicious slice of Mumbai that travels each weekend to Alibagh are dog lovers.

Under no circumstance should you open a packet of crisps, chuda or biscuits on the journey. Instead when members belonging to the hurdy-gurdy start opening theirs and offering them around youmust decline politely and remark how endearing it is that Indians need to eat when they travel on even the shortest journeys.

Of course,by now you might have guessed what you should wear. Capris or Bermudas with T-shirts from Wild Life Sanctuaries you may or may not have visited are de rigueur. A floppy hat, walking shoes, a pair of oversized sunglasses will help. A volume by Balzac or Proust will work wonders to establish your credentials.

Of course, if there are recognisable faces on the journey you must not stare. You must look nonchalant as if it didn’t matter one bit to you that Ratan Tata is sharing the jetty with you, if you are to maintain your membership tothe delicious slice of Mumbai that travels to Alibagh each weekend and has houses there or friends who have houses there.

I am afraid, on that instance I have lost my membership. I saw Ratan Tata, and I have to admit I gawked — thrilled as a fan.

That of course immediately relegated me to the lower air-conditioned cabin along with the hurdy-gurdies!

s_malavika@dnaindia.net