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Municipal commissioner Jairaj Phatak wants to line up a couple of urinals alongside the Oval maidan. That is such a sensible thought. Those who protest that conveniences should never encroach on heritage are probably folks who have never patrolled the fine-leg boundary with their bladders full. What good is heritage if people piss on it? The cultural fundamentalists should thank people like Dilip Vengsarkar who have supported Phatak’s initiative. If you want to prevent uric acid from corroding culture you need civic amenities in places where heritage and footfalls collide.

Chhatrapthi Shivaji Terminus is another historical treasure on which metropolitan density impinges every day. The situation is a tinderbox of body effluvia, and one does not have to be a brain-stem researcher to figure that out. But the toilets at that grand station discourage the conscientious citizen from using them to empty the toxins accumulated during a long journey from Dombivli or Panvel. That is so because the toilets at the CST, which should flush out the muck, actually burble back the offloaded mess like an overeager start-up, gratefully offering hefty returns on investment.

So much for being zealously protective about out heritage.

The truth is that neither the people nor the authorities are apportioning the seriousness the problem deserves. Everyone knows that Mumbai is heaving unsteadily like Atlas who has suddenly been told that his load will treble because of some glitch is Zeus’ laptop. Actually, Zeus punished Atlas for some Grecian indiscretion by ordering him to hold the sky, not the world. But that is neither here nor there.

The city’s amenities problem, its public lavatorial system particularly, will soon need radical solutions. We could consider Dubai’s unique enterprising streak in providing the vital relief for its citizens. Apparently, that glittering enclave of voluptuous consumption does not have public toilets.

So civic authorities there have permitted some down-at-heel households to let out-of-town executives use their bathrooms in the mornings. Such execs, remarkably, sleep in their cars at nights, freshen up in surrogate bathrooms, and spend the day at work. Inviting a boyfriend or girlfriend over for a drink in such situations, I fear, will always be misconstrued as an invitation to have sex. Poor souls, but at least they get reasonably clean bathrooms in the morning.

Email:raghu@dnaindia.net