Column

A lot of noise has been made about the city of Mumbai bursting at the seams due to the floating population, nicknamed 'outsiders', invading upon the land. The chatter has now reached a crescendo with major people's representatives, and several self-anointed representatives as well, taking up cudgels to avow that the only way to save the megapolis is to put a cap on the number of these 'outsiders' settled here.

Now, instead of making sweeping statements, let us take a minute to discuss the issue threadbare. Yes, in deference to the 'how-much-can-a-city-take' factor, we all admit that Mumbai desperately needs to check a population implosion within the island city.

The flip side is, do we have any constitutional law that can debar people from crossing over boundaries and settling in another city? Legally, that's a ridiculous thought.

Has one ever pondered over whether we can opt for better expansion plans beyond the precincts of the city and call for adequate development of the suburbs? But of course, that's too much of a serious proposition for our leaders at the helm. And I don't want to touch raw nerves. So, to provide some food for thought to the proponents of 'Mumbai-ko-outsider-logon-se-bachao', I submit two unconventional methods (well-wishers may help by adding to this corpus):

1) Exacerbate the monsoon hell-hole fear: To merely state that Mumbai is a hell hole during the rains can scare off only the genteel kind. The ones made of sterner stuff wouldn't be daunted adequately. So, here's the plan. Use rhetoric and hyperbole to your heart's fill. Say 'hell hole' is an understatement. Emphasise that each day during the monsoon is synonymous with 26/7 of 2005, when the city received 944mm of rainfall and life came to a complete halt, not to speak of the concomitant death and destruction. The state government must exhort all national channels to show repeat visuals of marooned vehicles, flooded roads, and choleric citizens (even if the images are of 2005, tell them they are of 2009). We should even have a tagline for Mumbai — like Florida is the 'Sunshine State'. Let's say: 'Only wimps are scared of typhoid'. Take my word for it, it's gonna work.

2) Keep the memories of blasts alive: Ensure that the scary tales of the 11/7 and 26/11 terror attacks perpetually haunt memories. This complements the first idea, in case you are contending with an out-of-the-world braveheart. Let everyone know that Mumbai is sitting on a powder-keg and there is a blast waiting to happen at every nook and corner of the city. That's it. It's guaranteed to work even on Rambos.

3) Give dual names to all city addresses: Remember your good old friend, confusion? Play on it. Mumbai's penchant for christening everything in the name of the Gandhis and some select freedom fighters can offer an idea. Create as many multiple identical names of places in the city as possible. Make sure that one is driven out of his wits trying to locate a place of his choice. Let him run and run, until he flees the place, dehydrated. Another sure-shot idea.

PS: In case these ideas fail to deliver, worry not. There are many more rabbits I can let out of my magic hat. Trust your good old pal — me.