Column

Govt’s unique quota system is a good start; it will protect Beautiful Mumbai from riff-raff

The state government’s ’s—70:30 formula for college admissions— is a fantastic idea. I do not see why everyone is so exercised by it. When I was a young Dombivili resident, the concierge at a posh waterfront hotel at Colaba would ask me, there is no convenient washroom near where you live?

I did not quite like his tone, but found his emotion wholly intelligible. As a young reporter on duty, I would have a bushel of notes and press releases, and G-forces working on my bladder after a hard day’s work.

I don’t think the concierge minded me using the posh loo every day; he understood that I needed to look presentable when I entered the Press Club to meet my seniors. He also appreciated that rushing to the Press Club bathroom the moment I entered its august portals was not only not the right form, but also involved the possibility of knee-twisting wait-time. I think he resented the fact that I left my papers in his custody till I returned.

Now just consider the events from his perspective: if more people from Dombivili handed him papers every day that would be a lot of riff-raff and tonnes of press releases on government’s strategy to harness bio-gas.

In such a scenario, a posh hotel would no longer be a posh hotel; it would be Dombivili. But if Dombivli had a posh hotel, riff-raff would pee only there and the area’s concierges would be remarkably well informed on bio-gas.

I do not know if you would consider this a non sequitur, but I think the case I presented above clearly demonstrates that students should study only close to their neighbourhoods. That will prevent young cretins from poor areas from sullying places like Colaba. In fact, I think the government should extend the formula to other aspects of life like shopping, marriages, and work.

Let us consider marriages first. Have you ever heard of Gir lions dating leopards from the Sanjay Gandhi National Park? That is not in the order of nature. So, I think the government should ban intra-city marriages, and direct people to find partners from within their housing societies.

Second, how often have you had shopping experience undermined by rascals from the dirty side of the tracks? They block the trial rooms, putting on designer trousers that they would never buy. In fact, I have heard reports that they take pictures of themselves on their cheap mobiles that have shoddy-pixel cameras, wearing the latest Pierre Cardin line and posting their pictures on matrimonial sites. That deceit results in iniquitous marriages, and an undeserving pauper flies over to Peddar Road as a tony groom. How appaling!

And finally, I think those who live in the suburbs have no right to work in south Mumbai. They bring homemade food (goodness!) and cheap-cologne stench to the smart-set precincts. Please, dear government, give me more quotas.
raghu@dnaindia.net