Don’t judge your teenager

1. I recently discovered that my 15-year-old has been engaging in self-harm behavior. She had what looked like cuts all over her arms. She has been wearing clothes with full sleeves only. When we tried asking her, she refused to say anything. I’m extremely worried for her.  

I can sense your anxiety and worry for your daughter. This definitely seems like a concern which needs to be addressed with a mental health professional. From what you have written, it sounds to me that she is neither accepting nor denying it. Although she may have engaged in self-harm, she may be feeling guilty/embarrassed and possibly also ashamed about her own behaviour. I suggest that you book an appointment with a psychologist, who can listen to her, be non-judgmental and more importantly, is a professional trained to deal with the self-harm behaviour.

In my experience, parents feel extremely guilty, when they find their children engaging in such behaviour. While it can be hard on you, I suggest be kind to yourself; there are a lot of reasons that lead to self-harm including the child’s own personality, temperament which may not be in parent’s locus of control. Based on the limited situation, I’m not sure, if there are any triggers at school, in her social/emotional life, which may have led to this.

Speak to a psychologist and understand what you can also do as a parent to help your daughter in this situation. When children choose to be in therapy, learn to trust the therapist and give children degrees of confidentiality that allow them to be honest with their therapist. As your child is a minor, the therapist will keep you informed and updated from time to time. Having said that, your psychologist will be able to ascertain the intensity and recommend further course of action.

2. My 14-year-old boy has become extremely quiet and withdrawn in the last one year. He does seem happy as a child, but chooses to limit to his close friends and not talk much to us. While his academics and activities are not impacted, I’m concerned.  

From your description, it does sound like his personality is getting shaped in a manner, different from what you imagined. Teenage years bring with them hormonal changes and also a huge shift in the way children grow to become their own person socially, psychologically and emotionally. I feel you should have a conversation with your boy, when you head out for a drive together or in a lighter moment to understand where he is coming from. Be supportive of his changes and have a dialogue trying to understand his choices. Choose to be empathetic, don’t judge or be interrogative in your conversations. Of course tell him, that you will be always around when he needs you.
 
Sonali Gupta is a clinical psychologist with 12 years of experience. She works with children, parents and young adults to enhance their emotional and social well-being.