Tough to deliver

Anxious about putting their careers on hold, working women are left to choose between their jobs and delayed motherhood. With many in their 30s waking up to the realisation that they cannot defy the limits of their body, taking a decision is proving to be incredibly hard, writes DNA.

Paroma Ray, a 26-year-old lawyer working in a Delhi-based NGO, has been married for about a year. While tradition would dictate the starting of a family, Paroma and her husband are in no hurry. “I’m just not ready to be a mother. My husband and I have decided to wait a couple of years before we start thinking about it,” she says. 

Motherhood has traditionally been the highest ideal for a woman to strive for. But the dawning awareness that motherhood can be a choice not a responsibility, is allowing more Indian women to organise their priorities. It is, however, proving to be a tough exercise.

Nikita Crasta, 37, a senior consultant at a PR firm in Mumbai, was a bilingual executive assistant for 11 years. She began to feel she was stagnating professionally and decided to change tracks. She was 28 and had recently married, and a baby was the last thing on her mind. “At a time when I should have been thinking of having a baby, I decided to start from scratch on the career front. Starting afresh meant I had to start on the salary scale of a complete fresher,” she says. “Luckily, my husband and I live alone, so eventually we stuck to doing what we wanted.”

While women are defying family and societal pressures by opting to conceive when they’re ready, many in their 30s wake up to the cruel realisation that they cannot defy nature and the limits of their body. When Nikita finally felt ready to have a baby, she was 32. And this time around, things didn’t just fall into place. “After trying for a year, we visited a gynaecologist who started me on fertility meds. But after six months, my husband and I talked about it and decided to discontinue the treatment.”

The idea of in vitro fertilisation (IVF) did occur to Nikita and her husband but the financial burden it would pose made them decide against it. “I come from a middle-class background and IVF is a very expensive treatment,” she says.

Women realise that medical technology has helped them extend their fertility graph, but  they are aware of its potential physical costs. Swati Pai, a career woman turned housewife from Pune was 31 and on fertility treatment when she finally conceived. “Once you reach a certain age, the chances of complications do rise slightly,” she reveals. “While I was pregnant, I had gall bladder attacks. But the delivery went quite smoothly.”

When to conceive is a tough decision, given that the most fertile years are also crucial for career growth. For women whose sense of identity is intimately connected with the workplace for a large portion of their lives, the thought of staying home with nothing to do can be scary. Paroma confesses to reading blogs where women described how a difficult pregnancy left them bedridden for six to seven months and that made her “quite apprehensive”.

But luckily for Nikita, who conceived naturally at the age of 35 — and her focus remained on her job –— her agency gave her the flexibility of working from home. “Otherwise, I would have torn my hair out getting bored,” she says.

Seema Hingorrany, clinical psychologist and psychotherapist claims that the primary conflict she sees in women in their 30s is the struggle to balance work ambitions with a desire to start a family. Accustomed to calling the shots in their professional lives, the fear of a loss of control over their own bodies is difficult to deal with. She believes working women preparing for pregnancy need to undergo a conscious psychological shift.

“I’ve had patients in their mid to late 30s who can’t stand the thought of taking a sabbatical and staying home for six months. They need understand that they will need to go slow with their career.”

The thought of child-rearing too can seem quite difficult for a woman with a full-time career.

It’s not surprising then, that if there is one thing a late mother needs, it is a supportive partner by her side. Paroma seems to know this instinctively. “I honestly think if I am to be a mother my husband has to be ready to be a father as well,” she says.

Saumya, 31, who works in the development sector in Delhi and is the mother of a one-year-old, says, “Both my husband and I work but we adjust our schedules so that one of us is always with the baby. Of course, this means we are spending a lot less time together.”

Saumya, however, feels that women who want to concentrate on their careers can do so if they plan on having just one child. “Things can get tricky if you want two children and need to wait three to four years in between babies. I would recommend you have one child and raise her properly!”

At the same time, successful late mothers show an exceptional willingness to adapt to unforeseen circumstances. Even after a great professional makeover, Nikita, who has a 16-month old at home, doesn’t rule out the fact that she might have to sacrifice her career at some point.

“Working in PR, I have no fixed timings. There will come a point in my life when I’ll need to look at other options or quit my job. I am open to the idea.”