Letting go of toxic parents

Almost everyone has whined about their parents some time or the other, or blamed them for everything that’s wrong in their lives. Parents are only human and imperfect, after all. But what if you have a parent who makes life truly unbearable? Put up with it out of loyalty for somebody who has brought you up, or take the painful decision to cut yourself off to lead a better life?

Shweta Vaishnav didn’t see it coming. After almost three years of marriage, a divorce had left her heartbroken and bitter. But, she willed herself to pick up the pieces and move on. At 32, it wasn’t too late to start afresh. She already had a well-paying job at an international bank, and great friends and a family for support. She moved in with her father in Bandra — convenient because it was close to her workplace — and settled into a new life.

That was four years ago. A few months back, Shweta was forced to consult a
psychologist after a major outburst at the bank and a string of unsuccessful relationships. Her problem now was that she put every prospective beau at an emotional distance. It followed a familiar pattern: she was full of life at the start of the relationship, but progressively she would get guarded, suspicious and finally resentful.

At first, she thought her divorce might have something to do with it, but eventually realised the source of her problem lay elsewhere. “I really liked the men I went out with, but my father didn’t approve,” she recalls. “Dad kept pointing out flaws, and eventually, I’d let go of the relationship.”

That wasn’t all. Her 69-year-old father had turned abusive too: he’d yell profanities at Shweta, and tell her she was a failure. “I am not ‘destitute’. I earn close to 80K a month,” Shweta burst out to her counsellor. “But nothing I do is ever good enough for him!”
Shweta is smart and independent. Why did she need to put up with this abuse? The reason she says she decided to live with her father instead of renting an apartment on her own was primarily because her father was widowed and touching 70. Not that she had ever shared great camaraderie with him, but he was, after all, her parent and she thought they could provide emotional support and companionship to each other. She realised her mistake only after counselling when the growing resentment came out in the open.

Widespread problem
Many people who seek help for dysfunctional behaviour find it hard to acknowledge that their parents may be the cause, and that the only remedy may be to move out or even cut themselves off completely.  “It’s in the course of therapy that they realise the depth of their resentment towards their parents,” says psychologist Varkha Chulani. “This is buried beneath layers of guilt, because we are culturally conditioned to believe that our parents are right; the moment a child questions his parents, he is looked upon as disrespectful, and is told to ‘shut up’.”

A victim’s first reaction is denial, agrees psychotherapist Seema Hingorrany. After all, parents love us ‘unconditionally’, don’t they? So even if they get intrusive, overbearing, and downright demeaning, to the extent that the emotional abuse leads to depression or other psychologically harmful effects, their sons and daughters would rarely contemplate breaking off the relationship and keeping a distance. But, with counselling and therapy becoming more accepted — at least in urban India — victims are faced with a realisation of the roots of some of their deepest psychological problems. 

City counsellors say they encounter this issue frequently because in India a very large number of people choose to stay with their parents even after they’re married and have kids of their own, unlike in the West where the norm is to start living separately once you turn 18. “Many parents are unwilling to accept that their kids are now adults and old enough to make their own decisions,” says psychologist Rhea Tembhekar of the Coffee Counselling Centre. “There’s too much parenting — even when the ‘kids’ are in their 30s and 40s. These adult ‘kids’ may realise they don’t need advice from a parent, but they still choose to go along with this,” she adds.

It is this reluctance to put a stop to such inappropriate behaviour that perpetuates it. “The victim needs to realise too that as an adult, he has to ‘grow up’,” says Chulani.

Vikas Acharya, for instance, refused to face the truth until it threatened to break up his marriage. The 44-year-old manager at a cargo firm had terrible fights with his wife and even started snapping at his six-year-old daughter, the apple of his eye. Finally, his therapist helped him realise that it wasn’t stress at work that was bothering him as much as his mother’s constant interference.

She lived in the apartment next to theirs, but controlled everything — from his curfew hour to the people he met, even his monthly allowance. Vikas was expected to be home by 11pm, and if he missed the deadline, his mother would call him or throw a fit. She was also constantly complaining about his friends coming over for parties.

The final straw was when, a few months back, she decided to take his finances into her hands. She asked for household expense accounts, and gave him a monthly allowance of Rs3,000. Vikas said he accepted this because he didn’t want to hurt his mother; as she was old, single, and lonely.

Tough decisions
So what does one do about a situation like this? Therapists say half the battle is won once the victim realises the problem and understands the need to end it. “A therapist can help improve a patient’s confidence so he is equipped to deal with the issue,” says psychiatrist Jyoti Maheshwari. It is usually left to the patient to decide on a course of action.
“To begin with, you have to confront your parent — gently, but firmly — and tell them that their attitude is affecting you negatively,” says Maheshwari.

That, unfortunately, is often just not enough if the parent is a compulsive abuser. Sometimes, they’re lonely and insecure, and will use every conceivable stratagem to make the victim feel guilty and thus retain control. In such a situation, there may be no option but to break free, but that is a very difficult thing to do. However possessive and unreasonable parents may be, their kids still tend to love them regardless of everything.
“Research on early attachment, both in humans and other primates, shows that we are hard-wired for bonding — even to those who aren’t very nice to us,” points out Dr Richard Friedman, professor of psychiatry at Cornell Medical College, USA, in a recent paper. He says therapists should point out the psychological harm that living in such an environment can cause, and ask the victim to consider whether maintaining the relationship is healthy and desirable.

In extreme cases, the only thing to do may be to sever the bond, but this is a tough and complex decision, because relationships are rarely all good or bad; even the most abusive parents can sometimes be loving.

Tembhekar’s advice is to “put some distance in your relationship”, after you have confronted your parent with the negative effects of their behaviour.

Shweta, who had moved in with her father after her divorce, took this approach. She shifted to an apartment close by. This way, she avoids the daily stress and abuse, and yet keeps an eye on her ageing father, she says.

Vikas, too, is gently breaking a few toxic ties with his mother. He no longer involves her as much in his family’s financial matters, not every detail anyway.  
(Names of patients and their relatives have been changed on request)