Bent on a divorce? This can change your mind

English-American writer Helen Rowland once said: “When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn’t a sign that they ‘don’t understand’ one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.”

What Rowland means is that for most couples, it takes an idyllic romance, a few fights and the ebb and flow of daily living together for the realisation to finally dawn on them that they now have to spend the rest of their life with a person who is worlds apart from who they are.

So when the marriage reaches a stage in which the couple decides to walk into the counsellor’s office, they are already willing to try out any technique that will make married life as beautiful as they initially expected it to be.

Hypnotherapy is one such option that city couples are increasingly open to. Dr Ahalya Shetty, a leading clinical hypnotherapist and behavioural trainer, who has been counselling many couples on the verge of a split, explains: “Procedures used in hypnotherapy over a period of time can help people delete bad memories and move ahead in life. When too many negative emotions are embedded in the subconscious mind, the best way to get it all out is by helping them visualise positive things. When this is done over many days, it becomes a habit and the mind never brings up the bitterness of the past.”

This technique works on the premise that, over time, the man (or woman) has gradually forgotten all the good qualities that brought him close to his partner in the first place. There will not just be a gentle refreshing of the good memories, but also erasing or downplaying of the negativities. Therefore, this method largely depends on positive thoughts and memories to rekindle the lost romance and bring the couple back on track.

“Through techniques of relaxation, positive thoughts and auto suggestion you will learn how to cope with the anger and bitterness you are feeling. In some cases, blindsiding is used, in which you distance yourself from the painful situation and learn to look at it objectively,” writes Richard MacKenzie a leading hypnotherapist specialising in using hypnosis for break-ups and divorce.

But not all schools of psychology agree with the use of hypnotherapy to deal with divorces. Psychologist and family counsellor A Sridhara, who has seen a variety of bad marriages and many on-the-verge-of-divorce couples turn up at his clinic in Jayanagar in the last three decades, says: “They come to me totally expecting me to solve it for them! But it’s not as easy as that.”

According to Dr Sridhara, hypnotherapy may have less effect on a couple that has already decided they want a divorce. But, on the other hand, if they are open to the idea of working things out, it could help by emphasising on the partner’s positives. The other difference between the more traditional forms of counselling and hypnotherapy in treating cases of marital discord is that while hypnotherapy goes to the subconscious mind to make changes, other types of counselling interact with the client at the conscious level.

“Plus, divorce is a pragmatic issue. There is nothing subconscious about it. Everything happens consciously. So it should be dealt with in such a manner. Couples should open up for a dialogue. Solving such issues requires many one-to-one conversations, education, persuasion and even convincing the spouses,” he explains. He narrates the case of a 20-year-old marriage that was standing on the verge of collapse, all because the husband used snuff.

“The wife did not like it, but did not communicate this to the husband for 20 long years,” he says. She wanted to leave him, but always quoted different reasons. It was only after many sessions with the psychologist that it came to light that the wife’s main problem was the husband’s use of snuff. “This problem was sorted out through many one-on-one conversations and the husband is now trying to quit using snuff to save the marriage,” he says.

Noted tarot card reader and healer Sheila Bajaj uses hypnotherapy, but prefers to keep the many counselling and healing options open so that she can customise the solution to the couples based on their requirement. “Sometimes, I do a tarot session to see if there are incompatibilities between the partners. Most of the times, it’s an ego clash or an intimacy issue. On identifying the main cause, I decide whether they need counselling or healing,” she says. 

“My job here is to find out what exactly it is in a marriage that doesn’t work. The healing work often involves a series of meditation, reiki healing, karmic healing and also a bit of Feng Shui correction. There are times when the bedroom requires alteration — the beams running in the middle of the room have to be replaced and open shelves and reflecting surfaces need a shift. Things like these may affect the couple’s intimacy and consequently may have an affect on their marital lives. I also take into account the spouses’ dates of birth and check their raashis to see if they have any doshas. Sometimes, a visit to the temple is also suggested,” she says.

An average of over 3,000 divorce cases make it to the family courts in Bangalore every year. So, we say any help is welcome to save a marriage that has hit rock bottom.