Exam time or otherwise, is there ever escape for children from parental pressure? Parents are not here to produce an Einstein factory, says Arvind Mishra, co-founder, Apples n cherries Preschool, while Vani Mahesh, proprietor of EasyLib, India’s first online library, bats for common sense parenting in a dialogue with DNA.
Common-sense works best in parenting
Humour your child
Common sense parenting works. Parents push children because every other parent is seen doing it. This is unnecessary. Mothers, especially, have taken on this job. I have never helped my older one. My best cannot be her best. I don’t help her with her homework. With children, humour works best. I just listen to her and give in because I understand her. As a parent, you shouldn’t go against the child. It’s good to narrate stories to instill moral values.
Give your child privacy
I hear moms talk about their four-year-olds’ participation in some rhymes contest. Parents here get pushy because their peers are pushy. Schools don’t pressurise, parents do. Every child has his/her own strengths. They have to see what they are good at. Use whatever works with your child to comfort him/her. At every stage, there is a certain strategy that needs to be employed. Excessive reasoning doesn’t work — do what suits the child at that age. Parents should realise that the child understands his/her likes and dislikes and should back off.
Set an example
Demonstrate to your children what you want them to be. But tell them once and leave it at that. Pithier, funnier and briefer, the better because their ego usually comes in the way. Children know that they can’t do without certain things, like going to school, and they are aware of it. If they tell you they hate a teacher, agree with them once in a while. Comfort them and they will come to terms with it themselves. When necessary, you must also put your foot down.
Don’t solve your child’s problems
Always think of innovative ways to get around children. Reason out and connect with them. For instance, I milk out the best from every story to my fullest benefit while narrating stories to my daughters so that they acquire a moral or two. Confrontation doesn’t work. That leads to unpleasantness. But observe your kids, not interfere. Go through their insecurities and moments of joy — most of them don’t need it, but give practical advice. Do not solve their problems for them — just be a sounding board. Most of the time, they know that their problems are unsolvable.
Parents should trust teachers and the school with their education and let them get responsible for their education. Children should battle out other children, not other parents.
Being pushy with the child doesn’t work
Ease the pressure
Nowadays, there’s more pressure on parents than there is on children. While children have their own timelines for watching TV, reading, playing and so on, it’s the parents’ duty to see that they don’t overdo certain things. Sometimes, you can’t let them do things and so, saying no will be difficult. In my case, I would tell my son a story with a moral that he would immediately understand. Once this exercise is done, it is easier for me to come to his level and help him understand what he needs to do and what he must not.
An Einstein factory
Many parents these days are in the pursuit of making Einsteins out of their children. Recently, I met a couple who had made a little thesis on their kid starting with the time the kid wakes up, watches TV, goes to bed and so forth. Why don’t parents let their kids be their natural selves? See, it’s this way: either you connect with your kid or you direct him. My son and I have unique ‘dad and son moments’ which includes watching movies and playing together. I never restrict him and if he refuses to do certain things, I always list out the repercussions, so that he can take a wise decision.
Being role models
Instead of pressurising your child to do things as per your wish, you have to show them how to do it. If I have to teach my son how to respect elders, he has to catch me doing the same. If I tell him not to litter, then I should be the first to follow that rule. There’s a lot that the child will learn just by watching you and noting your slightest of behavioural patterns. When you are dealing with a 10-year-old, it’s easier to tell him not to litter and he will obey you. But with a four or 5-year-old, the best way to make him do things is to set the example yourself.
Breathe easy during exam season
Parental pressure is at its peak during exam season. It’s worse if both parents are working. They feel guilty too that they are not able to spend time with the children. If your child is small, it’s always good to be with them during exams. By being there, I don’t mean that you sit and feel all the pages of the book with him — instead it’s important to boost their confidence and see that they are well prepared. Children also go through extreme mood swings. As a parent, one should just let it pass. Once you understand the reason behind that attitude, then you’ll find that you have inched closer to the child’s mind.
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