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Trapped in the parental closet

The response of parents to their homosexual or transgendered children can vary from violence to compassion.

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Ashwin Srinivasan remembers clearly how he and his partner were detained by a CID officer, how they were made to strip and then whipped with the leather of the officer’s belt. “We were made to grovel at his feet and apologise for being homosexual. All this was being done at the behest of my dad,” says the 43-year-old son of BCCI president and Chennai Super Kings owner Narayan Srinivasan. “Most people I’ve shared these experiences find it hard to think that a father can go to such limits against his own son only because he is gay.”

Ashwin went on to confess to DNA, “Since I met and fell in love with my boyfriend Avi Mukherjee on May 6, 1999, my father’s gone berserk. Both Avi and I have come close to losing our lives and sanity due to the constant physical and mental  torture.” Breaking into sobs, Ashwin adds, “The incident at Escobar is only the latest in a list of several such barbaric violent episodes.” Ashwin says that he was quite sure that both Avi and he would be killed on 30th April at the upmarket pub.

Just as a minor altercation broke out between him and the waiters about when he’d finally settle the bill, twelve policemen are said to have appeared suddenly from b ehind the bar. “They were armed with iron rods and they started beating Avi mercilessly,” recounts Ashwin. “I tried to intervene and began getting beaten up too.”

Now out on bail, the duo wonder about how did the cops come to the bar if no one had complained. “This only means that we were set up at my dad’s behest,” points Ashwin. “My father has said openly that he thinks Avi is a parasite who’s dragged me into homosexuality because he wants my money.”

According to LGBT activists, Ashwin and Avi’s case shouldn’t be looked at as an isolated case of persecution. “Many parents, owing to their own socialisation, exposure, dogma and societal pressures, find it very difficult to come to terms with their children’s LGBT orientation,” says gay rights activist Ashok Row Kavi of the Hamsafar Trust.

Others, like Shantanu Mishra from Sappho — a support group for the LGBT community in Kolkata — agree and add that it is an uphill task to even get parents to agree to some kind of a middle-ground. “Look at the case of Bidhan Barua, the 21-year-old from Guwahati seeking a gender re-assignment surgery. In a scenario where parents find it difficult  to accept a son having sex with another man, here is an irreversible, incisive and invasive procedure. Perhaps given the the extreme reaction, one can see why Barua’s parents are as opposed to his surgery as they are. We have to find a way to work with both the parents and the boy,” he suggests.

Some parental support

There are of course parents who have come around. Filmmaker Chitra Palekar admitted at the LGBT film festival Kashish that like many she was first rocked by doubt when her daughter Shalmalee confessed her sexuality to her.

“My husband (actor/film-maker Amol Palekar) and I had always given her the freedom to make her own informed choices. Though I knew I should support her no matter what, I could hardly understand what she was saying since I hadn’t known anybody from the LGBT community. So I asked Shalmalee to get me some books on the subject,” she says.

Even after moving to Australia to pursue higher studies in post-colonial literature, Shalmalee would often send her mother books on the community. Now, nearly two decades since, Palekar is one of the prominent voices in India favouring decriminalisation of homosexual relationships. She is one of the 19 parents to have filed an application in the Supreme Court recently, countering claims that overturning Section 377 would attack family values on which our society is based.

'He flogged me’

Others like Pritam Jhangiani, 27, who works with one of Delhi’s leading florists, aren’t as fortunate. He cites his own experience to point out how parents just don’t want to change.

“My mother once caught me in bed with a friend. She then called my dad, who flogged me with his belt till my back was raw. I  began to be monitored every time I went out or was alone at home.”

Estranged from his parents for three years now, he says he hit breaking point when he found out about his parent’s plan to forcefully marry him. “They were not willing to see how this will ruin the girl’s life as well as mine. All my protests only met with more violence from my father and chacha.” Pritam says he’s been able to cope well with life by himself. “When I broke up with my boyfriend of a year recently, I thought of going back home for a minute. But I realised that this could re-open doors to the horror my life was.”

Interestingly, Bidhan Barua is in agreement. “My surgery is taking longer since the doctors want to make my parents party to the final decision. After all that I and they have been through and seeing the steadfastness with which I stand by my decision to get my gender re-assigned, they are still not agreeable to the idea. I don’t see why they should then be consulted at all.”

With faultlines as sharp as these, it is no wonder that despite the recent churn in Indian society over LGBT rights, there still remains a divide between conservative morals and liberal values that must be ruptured.  
 

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