Too early to say 'I do'?

Getting married before the age of 25 is a lot like leaving a party before 10pm’. This meme on Facebook became one of the most widely shared posts, especially by singles who belonged to that age group. These singles smugly tagged their young married friends and others who were planning to get hitched soon in the post. However, if one delved beneath the humour, the otherwise-harmless meme was an indicator of the increasing levels of judgement that people who wed early are subjected to.

A few months ago, ‘In defense of marrying young’, an article on digital magazine Thought Catalog generated a lot of debate about settling down early. Julic Shockley, the author who wed at 22, wrote “For every person who gets married at 23, there are three people who complain about people who get married at 23.” She wrote on how society expected her to break up with a person who treated her well just so she could ‘date around’ and ‘discover’ what life had to offer in her 20s.

Closer home, popular writer Anuja Chauhan (who married at 23) revealed in an interview that girls tended to overthink when they decided to marry late because of their career or other reasons.

Indian women in the past few decades have successfully charted their own career paths.

Thus, even the idea of ‘settling down’ anytime before 25 attracts a lot of negative attention, particularly for urban, working girls. When Delhi-based Rayman Gill-Rai wed at 24, her decision was questioned by many. “When I broke the news to my friends, one of them actually said, ‘but Rayman, I thought you were ambitious’. It was crazy, I mean just because I was getting married did not mean that I couldn’t work or study further,” she confesses.

Keyuri Soni, a Mumbai girl settled in Texas, got married shortly after her 23rd birthday. A postgraduate merit student, she successfully completed a company secretary (CS) course before her wedding. Her friends’ reactions ranged from disappointment that she would marry before working to warnings that she will regret the decision.

“Some of them even said that I wasted time studying for CS, since I was moving to the States and the course doesn’t work there,” says Soni. “But I never had to rethink my decision as the idea is to marry the right person for the right reasons. I married before my friends but it’s just that I found him early,” she adds.

Judgement by peers (especially via indirect means like memes) is like a wave that engulfs when you belong to that age group, says Supraja Srinivasan, an ex-producer with a news channel who married at 24. “We’re a collective culture and when you see your friends getting married, you feel it’s only a matter of time before it comes down to you and this becomes a little hard to swallow,” she asserts.

Soni thinks that Indians, in general, are very sensitive when it comes to the subject of marriage. “If you marry late, the oldies have a problem; if early, friends have a problem and if you don’t marry at all, everyone has a problem. No matter how much you explain or defend yourself, they are still going to think what they want to.”

Psychologist Seema Hingorrany feels that age definitely matters because a marriage has become very demanding today. “A decade ago, the rules were different. Girls are more independent now and have their own agendas. Maturity plays a big role and thus, one should not take decisions like marrying, impulsively.” She advises young people to carefully weigh their parameters. “Listen to your peers, broaden your horizons, but go with your gut feeling. If your mind is dilly-dallying, don’t do it.”

It’s even more fun
Marriage signals the end of a person’s single and consequently ‘fun’ life, going by its stereotypical message. However, it’s anything but that, says Rayman. She says that she hangs out with her girlfriends just like before and goes out much more than she did before, as her husband is very social.

“It’s the best of both worlds. I’m more responsible, thoughtful and I’m learning new lessons every day. The way I look at it, I have a bigger support base and more people to care for me.” She believes that getting married is taking a leap of faith and one can never truly be mentally ready, whatever the age. “If you’re concerned about what everyone thinks, it’ll never happen.”

Even Srinivasan agrees that she has barely felt any change and feels more independent now. “It’s been easy to continue with my social life and it’s the closest to what a live-in relationship is like,” she says.

Soni sums up her thoughts when she says, “I think being married before 25 is like going to a party after 10pm (after finishing the day’s work) and leaving even later at 2am knowing that I will reach home safe with my husband.”