The bad sex award goes to gay Indian men

Sunday, 7 October 2012 - 12:00pm IST Updated: Sunday, 7 October 2012 - 12:56am IST | Agency: dna

Their typically selfish and insensitive attitude in bed rarely leaves room for a healthy, mutually respectful relationship, says Ashley Tellis.

One of the best kept secrets about gay life in India is that almost all gay sex here is lousy. I have to report that I have never had decent sex here, and I don’t think I ever will. Apart from the fact that Indians in general are lousy at sex and have all sorts of weird hang-ups about it, gay sex here has a particular set of sicknesses associated with it. So, Indian men who want to and do have gay sex also have no qualms about being disgusted by it and doing it badly. Culture legitimises that.

Frequently, one comes across men online who will tell you that they don’t kiss. They want to be sucked, they only want to f--- you and, increasingly, want to be rimmed too. They say this with no irony and no self-reflexivity whatsoever and actually get offended when you tell them to go find a dog or f--- a wall instead. Or when you tell them that something is wrong when they want you to lick their a--- but they won’t lick your face. Or speak of how important kissing is to sex.

‘Tops’ (by which is meant the most pathetic imitation of missionary heterosexual positions) don’t suck, of course. They only want to be sucked. This is a given. Men on websites call themselves ‘pure tops’. They are really anxious that you come nowhere near their a--- and, of course, are not interested at all in examining that anxiety. They expect bottoms not only to be submissive and meek but have no penises, no orgasms, no needs, no sexual desires other than to fulfil the desires of the tops.

Anal sex is a brutal affair and many of my gay friends have ruptured anuses, fissures, and damaged sphincters, and seem to take it as par for the course. High on alcohol, poppers, hash and other stuff, ‘bottoms’ seem not to care about their own bodies, or indeed about sex as something pleasurable, gentle and meaningful. It is only about being stuffed and pounded and hence the need for all the external intoxicants.

Tops, once they come, rush to the bathroom to wash and then rush out of the house without so much as a by-your-leave, let alone a goodbye kiss. All of a sudden they are disgusted by what they have done and want the hell out. It is just a matter of “release”, like they have pissed and now need to leave the pissoir.

I have recently begun seeing a man who calls himself gay, claims to be interested in an emotional relationship with a man, and is looking for a monogamous partner. This is the e-mail I had to send him after our first attempt at sex:

Dear middle-class Indian man,
Before we take our relationship further (if you want to), I want to state that you have to change as a lover and become more responsive and more attentive to the person you are in bed with and might be in a relationship with. Here’s an indication of how selfish you were in bed:

  1. You came thrice and did not bother to ask me if I came even once.
  2. You did not ask me what I like or what I find pleasurable.
  3. You did not rim me but wanted to f--- me (which any lover attentive to his lover’s needs would do).
  4. You did not suck my c--- or even offer to masturbate me if you are not used to sucking.
  5. You did not kiss me enough, did not let me put my fingers in your mouth while I was sucking you.
  6. You were only directed at your own needs — the need to get your c--- sucked, the need to f--- my a---.
  7. Despite telling you that I am an anal virgin and you have to be slow and gentle, you were impatient, rough, thrusting and insensitive.

This is not the way to treat another human being in bed with you. The other person also has needs, desires, pleasures. You have to make an attempt to share bodies, and not just selfishly have your way. You are a typical, selfish and insensitive Indian man and that does not allow for a healthy, mutually respectful relationship.

Please reflect on all this if we have to have a future.


This is why I don’t have sex for years sometimes and I’m still an anal virgin in my forties. I hope lesbians and trannies are having better sex, but somehow I doubt it. Homophobia and “Indian culture” (let’s not blame the Brits for our sickening conceptions of sex as dirty) have ruined our sex lives. That is where the revolution should start. When we refuse bad sex and fight for the right to good sex.

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