The Anaconda and Other Scary Things

Last summer our older child received an iPhone from her ever-doting father. She was eleven at that time and had thus far subsisted on my old iPhone that had seen better days. The phone in question was now in the winter of its life all thanks to our geriatric dog who had decided to ease himself over it one fine day owing to age related incontinence. When that phone finally succumbed to its high uric acid content and breathed its last it broke the child's heart and it broke the husband's heart to see his baby's heart broken. In this endless stream of heartbreaks, the child found herself at the receiving end of a brand new iPhone, much to her delight (and to my dismay). This led me to conclude that unlike me, the husband harboured no anxieties about his children growing up to be like Paris I concur that it might be tad unfair of me to run down Paris Hilton, she does have some achievements tucked under her belt after all. Paris has been a reality show and Youtube sex video star and has her own line of LV inspired bags that no one I know has bought.

Besides she has singlehandedly made owning a chiwawa (damn the spelling) not only popular but also acceptable. Unfortunately for me, I do not wish any of these achievements upon my children, at least not while I am alive, and possibly long after I am dead. But then I came to realize recently that Paris Hilton was only an imaginary threat as she is someone who does not figure even remotely on my child's radar. Tweens today are into Ariana Grande, Taylor Swift, Nicki Minaj, Bethany Mota, Superwoman aka Lilly Singh and One Direction. This realization made me feel awful not only for Paris but also for Kim Kardashian. My heart goes out to Kim K's derriere, her sisters Khloe and to the two directions in her life: North West & Kanye West, for failing to make it to this sacred list.

I gradually began to familiarize myself with those on the list that I knew little about starting with Lilly Singh aka Superwoman who commands such unprecedented influence over the teens today that allegedly even SRK asked her over to tea at Mannat. Most of the names belonging to the list of Tween influencers seemed fairly safe to me and could definitely qualify as entertainment with the exception of Nicki Minaj who seemed as innocuous as the rest of them until she released Anaconda.

Don't believe me? Try watching the song while paying special attention to the lyrics without overlooking the symbolism and you will know what a coronary (thrombosis) feels like. I nearly had one myself and have since declared Nicki Minaj as the ISIS equivalent of extremely dangerous and crazy enemy to the world of teenage children and parents alike.

You can only imagine my horror when I heard from my 12-year-old, who talks to me about everything mercifully, that Lilly Singh had done an episode dedicated to her parents' reaction to Anaconda. This implied that my child and every other urban child in India over the age of 11 had, in all likelihood, been exposed to Minaj's outre' repertoire of booty thrusts and pulses along with references to Anaconda.

I am not even certain if at that age, their innocent minds can process all that is being said and shown but in reaction to this realization, I had to all but overcome my Talibanisque  impulse of declaring my house Internet and 3G free only on the might of my will power. The reason for my seemingly hyperbolic reaction is that, as compared to our parents, who only had to keep growing children away from a certain kind of literature we have to contend with so much more these days. Where does one draw the line between being overcautious and over permissive? Quiet frankly, it all seems grey to me, fifty shades of grey, no less. The child is allowed 30 minutes of iPhone time daily. I could try revoking her daily access to the phone, but she will resent it as everybody else in her class uses Whatsapp to discuss homework, projects and of course, classroom gossip.

Maybe I should consider moving along with my children to North Korea, China, Pakistan or even Turkmenistan where YouTube is banned. Now that would be a solution because that way, I will not have to bear the brunt of being called a control freak mother and it would all have been the State's fault.