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Simi's Mum's Diary: The Daughter of all Battles

A tongue-in-cheek look at the rocky relationship between a cool mum and her sulky, sassy 20-year-old daughter.

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Our ear-drums were shattered during the rock show at Simi’s college. The band played a series of Pink Floyd and Guns N’ Roses numbers really, really badly. Simi’s new boyfriend was the worst lead guitarist I’ve ever encountered - he’s creepy police station torture material.

Our hearts are shattered as well. All my dreams of Pearl Jam releasing an album with the blurb ‘Feat. Simi’ have gone up in smoke. She was in the band alright, but she wasn’t even playing second fiddle — she was playing the tambourine like a bimbo! That’s not on, considering that she plays guitar like a goddess.

Rohit and I discussed this disturbing development thread-bare and finally arrived at a conclusion: the boyfriend must have felt insecure about Simi’s talent which is why he downgraded her to bimbo status.

We’re shocked that Simi gave in like a regressive Bharatiya nari. We had brought her up to be independent and strong, warmly assured her that she lived in a world of equal rights and opportunities. All our lectures have gone to waste.

After being brain washed by this awful talentless boy, she’s only fit to work in dreadful saas-bahu serials.That boyfriend/jerk must go! Rohit and I have decided to call him Fink Ployd. Only when we discuss him in hushed whispers, of course. Simi would probably attack us if she found out.

A few evenings later, Simi gave us a rude shock: she brought Fink Ployd home. Up close, he looked even less impressive. A short, skinny, pimply, geeky specimen of mankind.

‘Mom, Dad, this is Manav. He’s staying to dinner,’ she airily informed us.
Rohit’s eyes lit up briefly.

‘So Simi, you’ve realised that we’re cool after all, eh?’
‘Dream on, Dad! Manav just can’t eat at the hostel anymore. Last night he found a worm in his cabbage.’

‘Ah, he’s not into cannibalism then,’ I said smoothly and Rohit sniggered.
Manav didn’t get it. Unfortunately, Simi did.

‘You play guitar really well,’ I quickly lied sweetly. I had to make up for my snide remark because Simi was glaring furiously at me. I can never forget that painful anti-tetanus shot I had to take when she bit me 15 years ago in the midst of a tantrum. My arm was swollen for weeks.

‘Yeah, I know. I’ve been told I’m the next Slash,’ Manav nodded immodestly. ‘Simi taught me and I’ve been practising on her guitar. Nobody can believe that I picked it up just a few months ago.’

‘Oh, I can believe it,’ I wanted to say, but prudently bit my tongue.
So the mystery of Simi’s vanished guitar was finally solved. Wished we could solve the mystery of Simi’s missing brain too. How could she worship such a smug, irritating ass?

After Manav left, Rohit and I had to order pizzas. The fink had polished off everything on the table within seconds. If he doesn’t watch out, he’ll graduate to size XXXL hot pink undies very soon. Trust Simi to be different — all the girls her age are falling in love with dead sexy vampires and she has to go pick a charmless locust! Bah!

While we were tucking in like savages, Simi popped her head into the dining room.

‘Oooh lovely, a midnight snack.’ She ate as hungrily as we did.
‘By the way Mum, you’d better order an extra loaf of bread every day. I have to take sandwiches for Manav’s brekker and lunch. And ask Philo to make mutton curry for dinner tomorrow night. That’s his fav dish. Also, please cut down on the chillies. He complained that the dinner made his eyes water.’

I was too stunned to say a word. When Rohit and I went to bed later, I reminded him to order an exceptionally obese goat for Manav’s dinner.
Rohit groaned. ‘Tell your daughter this must stop. I can’t support that boy’s appetite on my meagre, heavily-taxed salary.’

‘You tell your daughter that Mr. Good Cop,’ I retorted.
Sometimes I wish I’d left Simi on a doorstep in a basket with a pretty pink satin ribbon when she was born.

To be continued...

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