Do you end up saying yes even when you don’t want to? It’s time to learn how to say no to avoid problems that arise from being polite all the time
In the movie 27 Dresses, Katherine Heigl's character Jane Nichols is someone many relate to: Nichols just can't say no. Apart from the strong message 'Just Say No to Drugs', society pretty much teaches us to be nice and say yes to everything. This can end up becoming an extreme condition.
"I can never say no. This habit always puts me in difficult situations," says Ann Roy. The 23-year-old MBA aspirant from Chennai feels saying no might hurt the other person.
Mumbai-based consultant psychiatrist Dr Avinash De Sousa believes we are taught from the very beginning that it is impolite to refuse. Often, in the process, we tend to lose our assertiveness. He believes this has to do with the parenting style. "We have to learn to say no," he adds, "since it's not possible to take diplomacy beyond a certain point."
Saying yes leads to depression
Pleasing others constantly brings on psycho-social problems. Take the case of software engineer Akshata Sharma (name changed on request), who underwent mild depression for a year caused by frustration from saying yes all the time. "The year 2014 was the darkest phase of my life due to a few people who were always too hard to please. I always did whatever they asked me to. But for some reason, they always ended up calling me selfish," says the 25-year old Bangalore resident.
After taking it on the chin for about a year, she consulted a psychologist and underwent several sessions of counselling and medication and is now better.
"People who say yes feel overworked and exhausted. This, in turn, might lead them to frustration and in some cases depression," says De Sousa. He feels social skills and assertiveness should be taught in classes. Parents should teach children the importance of saying no.
As for Sharma, she has come out of depression. "I've learned that I can't please everyone and it isn't my job either. I want to keep myself happy. That's my new goal."
LEARN TO SAY 'NO'
- As a parent, learn to teach your child when and how to say no.
- Saying no isn't necessarily selfish.
- It is better to say no than to set high expectations.
- Understand that you can't please everyone, every time.
- Before answering, ask yourself if saying yes will imply burdening yourself.
- If you're unsure, you can tell the person that you need to think. Take some time to calmly think about it before responding.
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