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Relationship Thursdays: How to use communication to resolve conflicts?

It's common knowledge that communication plays a vital role in relationships, especially when they hit perilous waters. The key to resolving interpersonal conflicts lies in using the right kind of communication for each situation, says Pooja Bhula

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Clear the air
I have burnt my tongue (read fingers) more than once, but my personal favourite way out of problems is clearing the air. Whether it's friends or family or colleagues at work, whether it's someone older or younger, a junior or senior I consider it my first option. Because by confronting the person, I am giving the person a chance to help me understand his/her point of view, so in case it is merely a misunderstanding, it can be easily resolved  by understanding. At other times, especially when it's the first time that the particular problem has surfaced with a person, seeing your point of view can make them realise their mistake. The fact is that a lot of conflicts arise out of differences in opinion, perception or interpretation. If the person's words or actions have adversely affected, knowing about it may compel him/her to take care next time. Even if trying to clear the air doesn't do any of the above, it reduces your negativity towards the situation. Moreover, it's easier to patch up or 'let go' when you've spoken about a problem than when you've bottled it up. Keeping things to yourself may make you think about the conflict again and again and in your mind it may then builds up into something much bigger than it actually is. Discussing the issue also tells you which other method (s) of communication you need to adopt next; if it's someone new in your life, confronting will help you understand the person better and you'll know how to approach him/her when a conflict arises the next time.

Reflect and Apologise
When you're in a conflict with someone, it's not necessary that you're always right. If you've taken time to think through things and have found areas where you're wrong too, or you've realised that you're right but you've hurt the other person unintentionally, there's no harm in apologising. It will probably make you feel better, soften the other person's stance or make the person rethink his or her stand. While this doing this may not resolve the problem, it may catalyse the process because reflection allows you to cool down, adopt a better way of approaching a problem, prevents you from giving the problem more importance than it requires, thereby preventing unnecessary escalation of a situation and an apology often reduces the other person's agitation. The result? Two cool heads. Chances of a positive outcome are sure to increase if both of you calm down before resolving a conflict.

Try and try till you succeed
While it would be wonderful if we could sit down, discuss things and resolve every matter there and then. Period. At times it just doesn't work. But should that mean you give up? No. Not if the person matters to you. Not if you see there's a possibility that coming back to the topic later or a little more persuasion and discussion can eventually lead to resolution. Talking about the same problem sometimes can be painful, but it's worth it if the person or the subject matters to you. Repeatedly broaching a subject also works when two people have different points of views because if the other person is convinced about something, even if he/she sees some truth in your rationale, it may take him/her time to see things in a new light. Such situations call for using your creativity and powers of persuasion. It's also an exercise worth going through when you're hurt and can't get over something; there's no harm in asking the person who has hurt you to help you out of it or undo it. How this will pan out will also depend on the nature and attitude of the other person and his/her response to it will reflect on how important you are to him/her. The person may not be able to undo things, but if the he/she genuinely tries to be there, you know your place in the person's life and if it's the place you expect and want it's worth pursuing that friendship or relation despite the conflict.

Put your foot down
When all else fails you have decide whether to quit or to be firm. Put your foot down when you feel that by not doing so you're being dishonest with yourself, put your foot down when something matters to you, put your foot down if you feel that unless you do so you'll be taken for granted... Just put your foot down when the voice inside tells you that you must. This will work in situations when you matter to the person or you play an important role in the situation. Sometimes, it will also work if your stand has surprise value because you're generally not assertive or because people didn't see it coming. It may just get you their attention. Sometimes people are afraid to do things as they are conscious of what others think or are afraid of change, but when someone takes a stand others also find their lost courage. And sometimes it's worth taking a stand despite the consequences, even if it means no one will stand by you...

Shut Up!
Sometimes, the sound of silence has more weight than the clamour of words. When the person you're having a conflict with knows you well, he/she possibly knows that you're affected and not saying anything may avert rebellion and make the person think about his/her mistake and come around. There will be times when you realise that there's also some truth in what the other person is saying but it's still difficult to get over the difference in opinion, this is when it's best to agree to disagree and leave things be. If a matter trivial, again it's best to let it pass. It's time to quitting when you know you've reached a dead end and saying more will make things worse. Finally, don't waste your time and words on someone who doesn't value your effort or what you're saying.

Truth be told, the best way to resolve a conflict is to find your own way and listen to what your heart says...

 

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