Patron Confidential

Eight years ago, Masterchef India co-judge Ajay Chopra had a customer ask him for camel meat biryani and horse steak. Despite this unpalatable-sounding request, the executive chef at Westin Mumbai Garden City, then chef de cuisine at JW Marriott's Saffron says this wasn't his most bizarre customer.

That honour, says Chopra, goes to a hotel guest at The Oberoi, New Delhi, where he worked his first job. The man, staying for six months, was a priority guest for the hotel staff. Their patience and troubleshooting skills, as they'd soon discover, were tested like never before.

"The guest wanted goat's milk throughout his stay. Which wasn't a problem, except that he wanted a goat to be milked every day in front of his eyes because he didn't trust where the milk was coming from and how safe it would be," recalls Chopra. The demanding guest didn't relent even when told livestock wasn't permitted on hotel premises. "We eventually said we'd arrange for him to be driven to a farmhouse every morning so he could see how the goat's milk was being sourced. He agreed and actually did it every day for six months," he laughs.

Cinema buffs and those of a certain vintage may remember the famous "hold the chicken" scene from 1970's Five Easy Pieces. Robert Dupea (Jack Nicholson) gets into an argument with a waitress over placing an order that's not on the menu. The scene ends with an irate Dupea sweeping all the glasses and menus off the table. It's easy to root for Dupea (Nicholson) here, but try this in real life, and you'll either be thrown out or expected to make amends. Just ask Kelvin Cheung.

"I'm known for telling more than one guest to get out of my restaurant in not-so-nice terms," laughs the firebrand executive chef of Ellipsis in Colaba. His approach is a near volte-face on the 'atithi devo bhavah' adage in which a guest, however difficult, is to be revered. Even so, Cheung accommodates off-menu requests that personally give him heartburn. Such as "overcooked pink pasta" and "spicy, overcooked, khichdi-style risotto". And 'oriental' dishes that don't exist, but are requested by some just because he's of Chinese descent.

Then there are customers who have no clue what they're ordering. "We once had a guest order spaghetti. Since we hand make our pasta, we only had fettuccine and tagliatelle at the time, and he was told that. He ordered Fettuccine Aglio E Olio, ate half, then sent it back saying it wasn't spaghetti," says Cheung. Other orders from the clueless stable include "Eggs Benedict, only egg whites". That's the equivalent of ordering laal maas without the meat.

People with dietary constraints, says London-based Vivek Singh, can be a bane. As the Executive Chef of award-winning restaurants Cinnamon Club, Cinnamon Soho and Cinnamon Kitchen, he's seen his share of such patrons. An American customer, for instance, who wanted no garlic, no coriander, no tomato and no gluten. She was also 'a vegan who ate seafood' as long as it was freshly-caught, not fish-farmed. "I created a five-course meal with a list of these no-nos. It makes you think outside the box and start over from scratch, which is great - but not when you're running an extremely busy kitchen!" he says.

Chef Manjunath Mural of Singapore's Song of India would agree. All too often, he's had people categorically tell him they want no onion and garlic in their food- only to ask for sliced onions later on. "It's very common in my restaurant," he sighs. Mural harks back to when a customer ordered dal makhni without onion and garlic. "He was miffed and claimed he could smell onion and garlic in it. It reached a point where I had to go to his table and reassure him that wasn't the case. He hadn't even tasted the dal, but said he knew something was amiss," says Mural. Turns out it was the smell of kasuri methi and not onion and garlic - something the customer's wife pointed out to her husband. On the event of which, he hastily made way for the washroom in an attempt to save face.

Some customers are migraine-inducing, but others unintentionally amuse. In this regard, Alok Anand, executive chef of Taj Coromandel in Chennai, lists out the strangest requests he's received. "Microwaved ice cream brought to room temperature, Szechwan fried rice - non-spicy but 'red in colour', hot garlic sauce without the garlic, and sweet corn soup served cold." Another executive chef of a Delhi hotel, who did not wish to be named, recalled the time a customer asked for a 25 egg white omelette. The Table's sous chef Akshay Kering has had customers ask him for 'Jain rosemary potatoes' and a vegan version of The Table burger (an in-house beef burger specialty). And Ajay Chopra still gets his share of bizarre off-menu requests at Westin's Italian restaurant Prego. Such as the ones for 'paneer bhurji lasagna' and 'triple schezwan pasta'.

If you think difficult customers are restricted to fine-dining, Bakshish Dean will prove you wrong. The CEO of Delhi's Johnny Rockets, which serves all-American burgers, shakes and fries, has a pet peeve: customers who don't bother reading menus. "Our Chicken Club Salad had bacon in it. This was explicitly mentioned in our menu, as were all other ingredients. Yet, so many customers sent it back saying they'd 'found' bacon in it. We now serve the salad with bacon as optional and train servers to ask customers, 'Are you fine with bacon? There's bacon on the side," says an exasperated Dean.

Even then, this wasn't the trickiest situation in his 23-year-long culinary career. Back when he was a chef in the now-shut Ménage à Trois, Dean dealt with a patron whose passion for food literally knew no bounds. "This well-travelled guest would pick up recipes from all over and get them to the restaurant. He once asked us to make grilled chicken his way. But this one time gradually became a habit and it reached a point where he wanted to come in our kitchen and make the dishes himself," says Dean. As any chef will tell you, the kitchen is a sanctum sanctorum outsiders shouldn't dare enter. But since the customer was a regular and bon vivant, the staff indulged him on occasion. "He'd send recipes through his driver and even buy his own ingredients. Without doubt, it's the strangest partnership I've had in my career," laughs Dean.

Equally important, to chefs, is knowing when to lay off the condiments. Kelvin Cheung shudders when he sees people douse flatbreads, salads and even steaks with sauce. "We're one of the rare places that serves real imported beef and it's sad to see people drench it in ketchup," he says. Bakshish Dean, meanwhile, has a plea: don't add soy and chili sauce, salt and pepper, vinegar, et al before you even taste your food. "Then customers say it's too salty or too sour, too this and that, and send it back even though the original dish was perfectly seasoned," he complains.

And Vivek Singh dislikes when people go to restaurants expecting home food. "Indians aren't adventurous like that. If you've tried something one way all your life, why not try it another way and see if you like it?" he asks.

Touché. The next time you go to eat, make sure you don't become another addition to the ever-growing list of patron boo-boos.