You have been together for a couple for years, and are really comfortable with each other. You are ready to take things to the next level, but what’s holding you back is your partner, who simply abhors the ‘M’ word. What should you be your next move? According to latest reports, former tennis player Anna Kournikova was left mulling this question as singer beau Enrique Iglesias is simply not inclined to take the plunge.
The story so far...
A source recently revealed that Anna is frustrated with the singer as he has still not popped the question. The pair have been a couple for 12 years and there is still no sign of a ring. The source disclosed that Anna was tired of waiting for him to decide if he wants to marry her or not. She is now ready to move on. There are many couples who are faced with a similar situation when dating commitment phobes. And it’s not just the women, men too are increasingly having to deal with partners who are reluctant to commit to marriage.
The right time to broach the marriage topic
Psychologist Mansi Hasan says, “There is no perfect time to make the switch from dating to marriage, as there are many variables which work around it — age of the couple, financial security, emotional maturity and comfort with your partner. However, on an average one-and-a-half year to two years is usually a good period to know a person and if you would like to invest in a long-term relationship with him/her.”
Psychiatrist Anjali Chhabria, adds, “Typically, when a couple has spent enough time to get to know each other, understanding each other’s personalities and have accepted each other’s lifestyles, talking about marriage is the next step. The couple also becomes comfortable with each other’s families or friends in their relationship and talking about marriage comes naturally to them. This may happen within some months of a relationship or after a couple of years. At certain times, a couple may decide to “arrange the marriage” for themselves, and date each other only with the purpose of eventually getting married. Naturally they will talk about marriage from the beginning.”
Getting there!
If two people have been in a long- term relationship and they want to consider marriage or having a family, it is important to have an open discussion with your partner about how you feel and how you would like to take it further. The other aspect is also how important is “marriage” for you. If it is a need which you feel is essential and being without it is only going to make you an unhappy person hence you are more likely to make the relationship also unhappy. In most cases, marriage is important which makes it even more difficult to make an decision. If your partner doesn’t want to get married, you might want to suggest that you are interested and you would like him/her to consider it, may be even discuss the concerns around it openly.
Sometimes taking some time-out from each other helps to retrospect and get some insight. However, if the relationship has been long-term and one of the partners strongly does feel the need of the commitment it is advisable to lay all your cards on the table. Sometimes your partner may require sometime before taking the plunge setting a deadline with consensus can help you both deal with the problem. Once this deadline has been established abide by it. However, even after working on helping your partner to deal with commitment and his/her issues about it, he or she still refuses to come around and you are still keen about the affair, this again is a sign that he/she may not make the move. Hence you need to make a decision for yourself. It’s difficult to tell someone whether to be in a relationship or leave it however you need to set your own limits and make a decision.
Make your choices on the basis of what’s right for you
Mansi says, “After being in a long-term relationship, one may find it tough to move on as there is a certain level of comfort and stability which has been established with your partner, and it almost seems unlikely to find elsewhere Hence it becomes an ordeal to quit that and move on. In my experience I have seen many partners compromising on what they want just because they want to be with their partner. It is never too late to start afresh and review the possibility of having a life the way you have designed for ourself. Mostly people avoid doing that because of their intense fear of either being alone or never finding the love and comfort they have. Don’t be in a relationship because of fear be in it because of a choice and because it makes you happy and gives you a sense of security and well-being.”
Discuss what the future holds for you
It is a good idea to talk about each other’s future plans. Talking about each other’s expectations regarding the same is essential.
What should you do?
When the partner is unsure and the reasons seem more like excuses, it’s best to go for couples counselling which can help you realise and understand the underlying issues and real reasons for not getting married. Therapy will help to resolve issues and couples gain more confidence in each other and may feel ready to get married to each other. At other times, one of the partners may have to come to terms with the fact that they may not get married and must try and accept it. It is essential that they start thinking rationally and part ways if that is what is required!
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