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How to make long-distance relationships work

They say 'distance makes the heart grow fonder'. But does it really? Avril-Ann Braganza finds out

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When he's asleep, I'm awake. When I'm free to talk, he's busy at work. And he's free to talk when I'm snuggled up in bed. I'm not going to candy-coat this because if you've been there and done that, you know well enough: Long-distance relationships aren't a walk in the park. In the last 16 months of long distance, we've talked on the phone on birthdays, Christmas and New Year, and Skyped three times. I've been asked, "How do you manage long distance?" far more often than we've spoken to each other on the phone. But, I still believe that someone up there is looking out for us — we've been able to meet thrice already—twice in London (where he lives) and once in Germany.

Starting off on the same page
So what makes long-distance relationships work? Sonali Gupta, a clinical psychologist and relationship counsellor says that both partners must have the same understanding of commitment and being intimate with one another. "Couples who have decided from the start that they want to make the relationship work, no matter the distance, are already a step ahead than couples who decide to 'see where it goes'. Optimism of their future together is important," says Gupta.

Twenty-seven-year-old Sunami Paigankar's is a classic case. "Every single person from family and friends told us that long distance would not work. But Arjun and I went against the odds and we're happy we took a leap of faith. We've been together for eight years (since we left college), six of which have been long distance," she says.

Trust is a must
Most agree that it all boils down to trust and honesty. "You can't make it work if you don't trust your partner. Circumstances lead us to spend a lot of time with people of the opposite gender," says Paigankar. "Arjun, who is finishing his MBA in Hyderabad, has to work on projects at odd hours and often with girls. He's told me stories of students whose partners fail to understand the situation and keep nagging. With a high-pressure academic environment, many students from his college have snapped and started dating others on campus because it's simpler," she adds. "My trust is reciprocated. I am in Mumbai and Arjun has no qualms if I go out with a guy friend for dinner or a movie. He has never asked me to take along another friend."

Conrad D'sa, who broke up after two years of long-distance, had a different experience, "Trust and loyalty take a hit," says the 27-year-old. "After a while, whenever we spoke, the questions changed to 'what is that girl doing in this picture with you?', 'You never hung out with me like this, we never did these things when you were here'."

Communication is key
Joel Rosario, whose relationship lasted five long years—through moves to Nashik, Mumbai and Canada, while his partner relocated to Chennai and Bangalore—before finally giving way, believes, "Communication and trust are crucial. It's up to the two partners to keep a long distance relationship going or it would definitely fail".

Counsellor Gupta says communication, without bombarding the partner with too much information, is important. "Many consider only physical infidelity as cheating, but when someone else substitutes your partner when sharing daily events and emotions, it's a red flag," she says. "More so when your try to hide this friendship from your partner."

Ashita Arora and Nikhil Negi (names changed), who've been dating for six years, four of which from different cities, take communication seriously. "We talk twice a day and Skype over weekends. We also surprise each other with presents, for no occasion in particular," says Arora. "Never sleep over an argument; find a solution and don't stop communicating," volunteers Negi.

Understanding time difference
As if being miles apart is not enough, time difference too plays spoilsport. Blake Fernandes, who has been going the distance for six months, shares: "The time difference between India and Italy, where Rhea is studying luxury brand management, is four-and-a-half hours. When it's 8.30pm there, it's midnight here, by which time, I'm waiting to crash because I have to rise early for work the next day. If we need to discuss something important, it becomes challenging but we work around the time difference and stay up late or wake up early."

Zain Bijapuri and his girlfriend were together for a little over two years, before he moved to Australia for further studies; they broke up seven months later. "Moving has its own challenges. Starting a new life, the struggle to get things going... sometimes this is difficult to explain, which leads to misunderstandings," says Bijapuri. "There's a lot to talk about, but this does not mean one does not want to listen to their partner's problems," he shares.

"Giving enough time was the biggest challenge. As a student, who was working 14 hours a day, it was not easy. There were mornings I wanted to return home because I knew moving was taking away a lot from me."

Thank goodness for technology
Of course technology might have more than a tiny role to play in keeping partners together. Blake is glad to have technology to blur the distance. "Modes of communication have evolved and we are blessed to have Whatsapp, Facebook messenger and Skype. We Skype whenever possible and of course, use Whatsapp a lot. Sometimes, I even send messages to Rhea through friends who are in the same class and home," he shares.

"Communication is important, but there's more to it than that. My dad worked in the Middle East, so I've seen long-distance relationships at work even without today's technology. I've learned to have faith, respect the other person and honour your commitments."

Smrita Pal, an artist and writer from Kolkata met her Mumbai-based beau on Facebook."It was long distance for a short time (October 2013 to August 2014), but I did not meet him until I moved to Mumbai," she says. "Since we met and fell in love online, we always had a feeling that this wouldn't work. But we kept in touch, always spoke our hearts out and ultimately, I moved to Mumbai."

Whether it's been a few months or several years, "distance should never be a deterrent if two people want to be together," believes Negi. Rosario adds, "I think long-distance works till a point and after that it's up to the two concerned parties to keep it going strong or it would definitely fail".

Pros and Cons
PROs

You don't have someone breathing down your neck 24/7
You can stay at home and connect with him/her when convenient instead of having to meet at a place. Ergo, save money and energy.
You have your own space to grow and pursue your respective careers and interests

You have independent mindsets. You may have common friends, but each has their own set of friends whom you can spend time with
Distance makes the heart grow fonder so there's more excitement and that time is extra special

Cons
You can't always celebrate special occasions (birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's Day) and happy or not-so-happy times together
Sometimes you just want a hug, but can't get one
You can't gauge emotions and reactions. Body language won't alert you
 Staggering phone bills
No one to carry your bags when you go shopping
Your +1 is always sorted if he/she is around when you want to watch a movie or see a play. It's difficult to find company if your friends are unavailable to join

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