Going solo as a single dad

After his marriage fell apart, 38-year-old, Vivek Shah, was struggling to strike a balance between his work commitments and the responsibility of his 12-year-old daughter Atika. He says, “In the months that followed the divorce, Atika retreated into a shell. I was increasingly at sea trying to figure what was going on with her. When things did not work out I approached a counsellor.”

The sessions with the counsellor revealed that Atika was finding it hard to accept that her parents were no longer together. To add to that she also had to deal with the separation of her sibling and younger brother, Harsh, who was now living with her mother, Diya. Vivek says, “Through subsequent sessions, we found that her attention-seeking behaviour was a means of rebelling against me and Diya, and expressing her bitterness towards us for breaking up the family. She missed her brother, who she only got to see a few times a week. Moreover, she started talking back to me, and complaining that I was too strict. While I did have some rules in place, Diya was more relaxed in her approach with the kids. Our conflicting parenting styles only added to the problems and she started acting more difficult because of it.”

Taking on the responsibilities of a single dad
Varkha Chulani, clinical psychologist and psychotherapist, says, “As a single dad you may be thrown into challenges which you had never envisioned simply because you were never a hands-on parent. So, you have to be open to learn about parenting. It’s more than providing only materialistic comforts for the well-being of your child. It’s a lot of talking, guiding, instructing, giving feedback, interacting, communicating and engaging. It also means not running down their mother — no matter what she did or did not do. Or running down the in-laws because at the end of the day they are grandparents whether you like it or not. Kids had better not be your sounding board.

You have a problem with your divorce, sort it yourself. Your kids are not your therapists. They are not going to help you cope. Be a parent and not a child yourself.”

Guide to surviving solo
Make time for your kid: Try dividing responsibilities or quality time with the child mutually.

Encourage your child to talk and express themselves: Sometimes, parents may expect the child to accept the circumstances without questioning them. Thus, the child is confused and feels lost. It is important to explain to him/her in a subtle manner about the separation. It is also important to understand that the child may go through emotional agony but may not be able to express it.

Thus, encourage the child to talk about his/her thoughts and feelings.

Address your child’s concerns: When faced with uncomfortable questions or situations, we often tend to ignore them. This won’t work. Addressing the child’s concerns is very important.

Build a strong rapport with your child: Divorce has a major impact on a child’s life and brings about significant changes. The kid requires sometime to adjust to these changes and be okay with it. Thus, having a good rapport with your child at every stage will help him/her cope better.

Also, try and observe if the child tends to remain aloof or if teacher’s complain about his/her behaviour at school such as being distracted or aggressive with peers and so on. It could be a sign of emotional distress.

Psychiatrist Anjali Chhabria lists the common mistakes that men commit
Overcompensate: Sometimes fathers in their attempt to make things easy for the child or due to guilt, may become too lenient with them and overlook their negative behaviour. That’s why the ground rules of dos and don’ts should be established.

Assuming that the child is alright: Sometimes, the child may act strong and pretend that everything is okay. However, the child may be hiding his/ her true feelings. Thus, regular and open communication will help the parent to understand what the child is going through and will be able to support him/ her accordingly.

Arguing/fighting with your ex in front of your kid: As responsible parents try and maintain a cordial relationship for the benefit of the child. Communicate and discuss their child’s progress (in academics, sports, etc) and have same set of rules for him.

Moving on in a haste: Before you get into a new relationship, resolve past issues, overcome bitterness or anger. Reflect upon your mistakes, and try not to repeat it. Also, avoid relationships on the rebound. It is ideal to introduce your current partner to your child when you are in a committed relationship. Young children get attached easily and they may find it difficult to deal with a separation again if things don’t work out between you and the person you are seeing. It’s possible that your child may resent your girlfriend.  It is  important to explain to the child that she is an additional significant person in their life and not a ‘substitute’ to his/her mother.