FB post on arranged marriages goes viral

There is a joke that is circulated about arranged marriages in India. It says, people take forever to choose their favourite piece of clothing, but when it comes to choosing a partner in an arranged marriage, it happens instantly. Writer and poet Nazreen Fazal, who had an arranged marriage, decided to show the world that this ‘joke’ was a myth if you go about choosing a partner in the right way.

In a Facebook post that has been shared over 3,000 times since it was put up on Saturday, Fazal says that when she was first introduced to her to-be husband, she first sent him a two-page email describing herself. “On one page was ‘who I am’ and on the next was what I am looking for in a partner. In return he sent me three points about himself and asked me three straightforward questions.

In the first week of knowing each other, Fazal and her partner-to-be had exchanged 80 emails between each other. “We weren’t flirting or indulging in small talk. These were serious back-and-forth questions about our priorities in life, where we see ourselves in a few years, our expectations from a partner, etc,” she wrote.

Fazal also admits that she was the one asking most of the questions. She asked him what he thought of a woman working and his definition of abuse. “I even asked him if he wanted to have children and if the answer was yes, then when. He patiently answered each one of them. It took us both two months, Skype calls, and a meeting to ‘seal the deal’. He tells me now that my first two page “autobiography” told him that I was who he was looking for,” she added.

This introduction sets the tone to their relationship. Fazal says that she is the crazy one, while her husband is the rock without whom she’d be adrift. “In our marriage I find that we perfectly complement each other’s flaws and goodness. Most of it is because we both fervently prayed that Allah blesses us with a spouse who is ‘coolness to our eyes’ but a part of it is also because we did our homework before we got married,” she said.

Quoting the Holy Quran, Fazal says that there is a simile that says spouses are like garments. Elaborating on this comparison, she says, “A garment is supposed to shield you, hide your flaws, accentuate your good features, and, above all- protect you from external elements. Outside of your own body, the garment you wear is the closest thing to you. Your spouse is supposed to be like that. But how can they be a garment you love to don if someone else chose it for you? And really, who here likes their parents’ questionable fashion choices? 90s sleeve puffs and bell bottom pants anyone? Take their input, yes, but don’t just blindly accept their preferences and make it your own.”

Fazal asks those looking for a partner to take the ‘getting to know them’ bit seriously. She tells us to forget about a deadline or what people will say. “The very same people who taunt you for being single will turn their backs on you when you have a problem in your marriage. So ignore the ‘wedding’ and think about the ‘marriage’,” she says.

She admits that while people may not have the exact same tastes an outlook, it is vital that they are on the same page when it comes to taking big decisions such as career, finances and children. “The whole point of deal breakers is that they should be known before the deal is fixed, not after it is broken. Don’t tie your own noose because you have people breathing down your neck,” she says.