Are bromances hurting women?

Forty-two-year-old, Neena Haridas, was getting increasingly apprehensive because of the amount of time her husband Vinay was spending with his close friend Raghav. The two shared a close friendship that went back to school days. And prior to this it was never an issue. However, their decision to go on a trip to Thailand without their respective spouses, bothered Neena. She says, “I know that they just wanted a break and when I look back I do feel I got worked up for nothing. Confiding in a friend about my anxiety actually helped. He made me see that I was being very immature by not letting Vinay enjoy some breathing space in our relationship. He even suggested I plan an outing with my girl pals. While I did not do that, I did decide not to hold Vinay’s decision against him. That really helped and things were back to normal.” In her defense, Neena unknowingly passed a stressful situation with flying colours. For those wondering how an intimate male bonding can cause such a reaction, there is a recent study that examined this very point.

WHAT THE STUDY REVEALED?

Heterosexual friendships with other males can at times result in stress with a female partner. There’s a shift in the way men choose to express themselves especially when it comes to intimate male friendships. That’s what a recent study published in Men and Masculinities focussed on. The authors of the study went on to share that this was largely a good thing, but also cautioned men that this could lead to weaker bonds among dating or married couples or even reduce the likelihood of men and women pairing up at all. Is that taking things too far? With that assumption we spoke to relationship experts and got them to weigh in.

‘GUYS KNOW HOW TO NAVIGATE BOTH RELATIONSHIPS’

Psychologist Seema Hingoranny believes that this study is not applicable to guys in the age group of 20 to 40 years. She says, “No matter how strong the male bond, men will be attracted to women if they are straight and they know how to navigate both relationships. They will share a heathy bond with both and try and maintain a balance. The study becomes more relevant after the age of 40. That’s when I have seen an increase in male bonding, many taking off on trips minus their spouses. They want to revisit childhood memories with their male friends and get away from the boredom and rountine that has set in in their relationship back home.” And while some women tend to overreact to this situation, Seema encourages them to have a mature approach to it. She says, “You need to give the man in your life space to be himself, to have some time along with his friends without breathing down his neck for it. If you give him the space he needs, there is no reason for him not to come back.”

‘BROMANCE HAS ALWAYS BEEN ACCEPTED AND ENCOURAGED IN INDIA’

Psychiatrist Dr Hemant Mittal, shares that while the west is now acknowledging the power of bromance, Indians have always encouraged it as a socially acceptable behaviour. If you co-relate this with what the study has found, you will realise that there some truth to it hampering relationships. Male bonding happens here on a higher plan because of shared needs, language, logic and ideas, besides there is a lesser amount of shame or inhibition when it comes to bonding with male friends. Thus, reduces the emotional need for women. In fact, if you speak to women from the earlier generations, around 40 to 50 per cent of them will have stories to share about how excessive male bonding led to neglect of family life. The corporate culture has changed things a bit with work hours changing and commuting becoming a hassle. Many choosing to go back home rather than go out for drinks with friends. However, despite this social, cultural and physical needs are not met, and men will always have to find a partner to satisfy that. What they need to watch out for is to make sure not to alienate their family or spouse/partner in the process.”

Most couples only end up on the counsellors couch when things have gone downhill leading to isolation and hurt emotions which take the form of an extra marital affair or an addiction in some cases. The counsellor can only help if the person is ready to accept that excessive bonding with male friends has taken a toll on his other relationships, and that’s the first step towards making things right. Not all male bonding is detrimental to romantic partners provided both know how to navigate the two without making one a priority and isolating the other.