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ShareNandini Sardesai speaks about abrupt retirement, fears of ageing and why she loves the salt-and-pepper look
I have never quite understood why one must retire at 60. Was I a different person at 59 -- more capable and more energetic? Does turning 60 change that? My retirement from the position as head of department, Sociology, at St Xavier's College two years ago, forced me to come to terms with my age.
Retirement puts an abrupt halt to the normal or routine life of an ageing professional. Initially, I was disoriented and felt an inexplicable need to organise my life.
Awkwardness crept in, and whenever I returned to Xavier's as a guest lecturer, I felt out of place among my peers. I thought I was imposing myself on them, and was plagued by self-doubt.
Every time I entered the college grounds, I would ask myself 'Am I really wanted here?'. To make matters worse, my pension account was at a bank in the college campus. Whenever I had to go there, I started taking shorter routes to avoid meeting people.
Age has brought in a lot of emotional baggage. I am no longer the happy-go-lucky youngster who acted on whim. I am suddenly conscious of the way I am 'supposed' to behave, conscious of what society expects of me. And it has only worsened since my husband's death, a month and a half ago.
At 62, I feel that time is slipping away. Today, I lead an active life -- teaching part-time, censoring films and attending international conferences. But I can't help worrying about the future and the 'what ifs' that are in store for me. What if my memory fails me while I'm teaching in a class? What if I'm confined to my house for health reasons? What then? I feel more vulnerable as I grow older.
I have had my fair share of disillusionment. In my younger days, I was idealistic and thought I could change the world. But now I know better. Fortunately, I have found a silver lining in my friends, many of whom are younger than I am.
Men and women age differently. When a man retires, he is suddenly confined to domestic life and is more likely to feel disgruntled if he doesn't plan his time wisely. Women, on the other hand, learn to keep themselves busy in every way they can.
Also, have you noticed how we are treated differently as we grow older? For instance, the salt-and-pepper look on a man is seen as 'distinguished', but a woman sporting grey strands is encouraged to hide them. I don't subscribe to that idea at all, it's such a farce.
Someone once asked me whether there is an age-limit to falling in love. The answer is no. Though I don't see myself falling in love again, I hope it's happening to other women. Unlike men, women tend to cling to the memories of their husbands instead of moving on. I guess that holds true for me too.
Nandini Sardesai is a sociologistand member of the Indian Censor Board.She spoke to Kareena N Gianani.
