This Valentine's week switch off to turn on

“Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new.” —Ursula le Guin 

We are in the week of Valentine’s Day and as luck may have it, not Valentine’s Day, but it could potentially be the start of something amazing. Let us momentarily set aside the historical, cultural and religious context, and think about it as a day when you keep your “self” aside and make it a day that belongs to some special other. 

There's nothing you can do that can't be done. 
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung. 
Nothing you can say, but you can learn.
How to play the game. It's easy. 
Nothing you can make, that can't be made. 
No one you can save, that can't be saved. 
Nothing you can do, but you can learn, How to be you in time.
It's easy. All you need is love, all you need is love. 

—John Lennon (1967)

As I wanted to write about Valentine’s Day, the ever so immortal song by John Lennon came to mind. Like any other Beatles song, the next step is the inevitable humming. In that humming, suddenly, something changed. The song’s true meaning merged.  Barbara Fredrickson, in her seminal psychology oriented work on love, says that love is a supreme emotion. It truly broadens our repertoire of responses to the world and people around us. People who lean on us, people who want us to be there. People on whom we lean on, and people we want to be there for us. 

Valentine’s Day is also a day of gifts. Shoes and Star Trek DVD sets, perfumes and cigars, scarves and single malts, diamonds and Transformers movies. Everything is more than valuable. Every single gift will be cherished. 

There were some really interesting ideas that came out when I crowdsourced suggestions for gifting. Sonali says that she is planning to surprise her boyfriend at the stroke of midnight. She says she has not done it for a long time. I thought that was really sweet. 

Shrutika says “The best gift I've thought of giving someone is writing a song on them and singing it for them. If anyone makes anything for me, be it a comic book on my life and my mannerisms or a little book of compliments to me or even a silly collage of things that I love. Not that I don't love the expensive violins and DSLRs as gifts. The real gift is the person taking the effort to observe me”. 

Harkirat, 17, lives in Toronto, Canada. While attending an entrepreneur conference in Dubai he met Isabelle Rose. Their friendship grew. When it was time to say their farewells, he says, “I bought a small jar and placed handwritten lines of our inside jokes and things I loved about her inside of it. Those lines relate to only two people in this world: me and her. On top of the jar, I carved her name in with a knife.” So I had to speak to Izzy Rose on what were the meaningful gifts in her life. Of course, Izzy Rose wants a batch of chocolate chip cookies, with an “overwhelming amount of chocolate chips”. But she does say, "Honestly that jar of colourful notes meant so much, you cared enough to highlight all these little things about me that most people would ignore or not even notice - and they were funny (always a plus)"! 

Here is where the happenstance gives bizarre a new meaning. In the cutest words of Izzy Rose, "When I was younger, my sister was having a really hard time so I made her this massive poster of the most adorable animals I could find with the words "You know I think you're cuter than all of these combined" at the bottom”.  Isn't it amazing, Izzy Rose creates a poster for her sister, a few years later, Harkirat creates a poster for Izzy Rose? Maybe someone will create something for Harkirat. That is really the ripple of positivity. 

Acts of kindness, are always returned, with due interest. It is an investment worth making. The moments of love, caring, tenderness have to be deliberately created.  It is like bread, you have to continuously knead it. 

Coming to this Valentine's weekend, on Friday night, when you ring the doorbell, switch your phone off. I mean, really, switch it off. Why? Relationships flourish when you are emotionally and physically present in a conversation. The phone calls, e-mails, WhatsApp messages can wait for a day. Slow down. Switch off. Just for a day. Then switch on the real resource, your physical presence. 

If your loved one is in a different city, or if you are working on Saturdays, you could still devote Saturday evening or Sundays for that person. But switch off from the distractions that electronic devices and switch your focus on. Many of you might not be under the same roof, but are planning to spend four hours together. Switch off your phones and make those precious 14,400 seconds count. 

Note: The screen rule does not apply if you decide to watch Pulp Fiction, Kill Bill or Love Actually on a screen. 

Being physically present

Touch: Your physical presence matters for the person with whom you have a special relationship. On Saturday, make eye contact many times. Go for a walk. Hold hands, cuddle and hug them. Plan an evening coffee meeting. Watch the sunset together. Touch is perhaps the most underrated relationship boosters.

Talk to each other: Make holiday plans. Make breakfast, lunch, evening tea, drinks, dinner and midnight snack plans. Talk about fond memories and smile with each other. Get some of those old albums out and relive the past holiday memories. 

18 things I like about you: Making a list is really difficult for some, but try telling your Valentine how your life is better because of them. Why 18? One for every waking hour. Remind them of the small things that make them special. If your special one is in a different city, then use that cellphone to make their day. Every hour, create a one line message of what that person means to you. Nothing turns it on like words said with authenticity and generosity. You don’t need to be a Wordsworth or a Lord Byron. Just be yourself. Find that inner writer. It's there. 

Savour old memories: Once you switched off, look around the house and all those little souvenirs you bought together. Savouring it will double the happiness. Relive the memories. Of course if there are old bitter memories, you want to consider removing the clutter from your life. Some of you Friends fans might remember the Valentine episode of the bonfire. 

Love is a canvas furnished by nature and embroidered by imagination. —Voltaire 

Of course, if you have been through a rough relationship, then you might want to walk the path of forgiveness. Forgive those old transgressions. With forgiveness comes engagement. With engagement you broaden your perspective. Perspective gives rise to possibilities. If we can see a possibility, our relationships will transcend to another level. 

So on this Monday morning, why restrict switching off to the Valentine's Day weekend? When meeting with a subordinate, keep the phone away, and the laptop lid down. Assure the person that you are completely there. When walking past someone, instead of the cursory nod and grunt, start with a big smile. Remember smiles are cheery no matter how horrible you feel on a Monday morning. If someone is having a tough time, pull up a chair and take a five minute break next to them. I know many CEOs who switch their email off during their weekends. 

Holidays are becoming a time to disconnect. When you temporarily switch off, you recharge your batteries. When you connect back, it is with much more vigour and zest. You approach life with more curiosity. Sometimes switching off is really a pre-cursor to turning it on. 

Wish you a bright red, positive Valentine's Week ahead.