This March is Mine: Why Other People Matter

It was 175 years ago, in 1841, when Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote in his famous essay, 'Friendship' 

I awoke this morning with devout thanksgiving for my friends, the old and the new. My friends have come to me unsought. The great God gave them to me. By oldest right, by the divine affinity of virtue with itself, I find them, or rather not I, but the Deity in me and in them, both deride and cancel the thick walls of individual character, relation, age, sex, circumstance, at which he usually connives, and now makes many one. High thanks I owe you, excellent lovers, who carry out the world for me to new and noble depths, and enlarge the meaning of all my thoughts. I know not, but I fear it not; for my relation to them is so pure that we hold by simple affinity, and the Genius of my life being thus social, the same affinity will exert its energy on whomsoever is as noble as these men and women, wherever I may be.  

This March is Mine. Even the celestial objects that occupy the skies above us have begun their orbit-shifting movements. On Friday, many parts of the world witnessed a solar eclipse and a super moon on the same day. The earth’s orbit shifted into a brand new equinox. There is so much happening everywhere. March 20 was International Day of Happiness. Saturday was the New Year for many faiths in the country and across the world. The holy period of Navratri and Lent are underway. It is a time when we acknowledge the higher beings in our world. 

With just eight more days left in the month, we are at the home stretch. The finish line is so visible. What a March it has been.

For the cricket enthusiasts, the most exciting passage of play of the ongoing ICC World Cup took place during the Pakistan bowling spell of Wahab Riaz. Anger is a situation where you want to right a great wrong that has been done. Our ancestors used anger to protect against invaders. They used it to right a great wrong that was done. Anger is a great emotion, when harnessed and expressed or channelised correctly. Mocked by Mitchel Starc in the match, Riaz’s anger could have gone two ways. Either into self destruct mode or to turn into a lethal bowler. He channelled his energy, utilised his entire repertoire of competence and available responses and bowled one of the most hostile spells of fast bowling in recent history. Michael Clarke was gloving the ball, Shane Watson very nearly got out, and later said, he was just lucky to survive. Wahab Riaz very nearly and singularly changed the course of the tournament. The veteran Australian batsmen acknowledged that it was perhaps one the best fast bowling spells witnessed in recent times. We were privileged to witness such a battle by a single man, which inspired millions around the world. 

Let him be to thee forever a sort of beautiful enemy, untamable, devoutly revered, and not a trivial conveniency to be soon outgrown and cast aside. The hues of the opal, the light of the diamond, are not to be seen if the eye is too near. – Ralph Waldo Emerson in Friendship

I am sure when their careers are over, Starc and Riaz will become beautiful enemies. They will remember the March of 2015 for a long time to come. 

Anger matters because at its very core, other people matter. I was reminded of this by Dr. Barbara Fredrickson who quoted Christopher Peterson's philosophy of “Other People Matter” as a three word summary of the entire science of Positive Psychology. 

Other people matter, regardless of the fact, that they may be a transgressor or a close one. They all matter. Other people matter, because with subtle strokes, people around us shape our character. Some colours stick and are durable, whereas some are washed away with the passage of time. 

People are capable of consciously shaping their personalities and be role models in their sphere of influence. They even take the dire circumstances that they sometimes find themselves in, and make careers out of teaching others how to deal with them. 

During one my courses, I came across Ms. Kelly Stack who runs a company called 'Flourishing with Kelly Stack'. Her book Flourishing with Chronic Illness, will be out soon on Kindle. Her role model was her grandfather who taught her what she now refers to as having “an unconditional relationship with life,” or “an unconditional relationship with the moment.” She explains this by saying, “He did not let what was going on around him, or how he was feeling physically or emotionally, affect how he showed up for life at any given moment. Regardless of whether circumstances were difficult or ideal, regardless of whether his body was functioning optimally or not, he was always THERE, fully present and engaged with the world around him, interacting with everyone he came across with the same sense of humour and respect with which he would a close family member”.

While studying, Ms. Stack was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (MS). For those unfamiliar with MS, it is a disorder that affects the nerve cells in the brain and spinal cord. Therefore various parts of the body cannot communicate to each other. But life is wonderful and strange. It gives strength to people who seek it. The cycle of gratitude works in even more strange ways. During the last years of her grandfather’s life, she was his caregiver, despite the severe physical limitations that she found herself facing. Just being with her grandfather, was a moment of awe for her. It inspired her to battle through Multiple Sclerosis. His fight rubbed off on her. She fought back, and even today continues to fight MS. 
She studied Positive Psychology and meditation and then decided to teach other people how they can “flourish with chronic illness”. Her fight is real and close. “When I am experiencing severe pain or other symptoms from MS, or facing other difficult circumstances, I know that I can still CHOOSE to show up fully for myself and others; I can have a deep and rich experience of life, in every moment, regardless of the conditions. She concludes, “Through my writing and coaching, I get to teach others that they can do the same! It has all come full circle in such a beautiful way.” I am going to be one of her first readers. 

I am often asked, in my workshops, “It is easy to build a relationship with a grandparent, and one of the reasons is that it takes time”. Recently, I was conducting a workshop on 'Building Trust and Connections at Work', and once again, I was asked, “Does it not take time for people to build trust in each other?" 

It is a question that is always asked by clients, that it is unnatural to “fast track” relationships between two people. Relationships take time to build and nurture. Utter nonsense! 

The only reward of virtue is virtue: the only way to have a friend is to be one. You shall not come nearer a man by getting into his house. – Ralph Waldo Emerson in Friendship 

I first respond in jest. I ask, how many people have a romantic partner? Then I ask, after you met your partner for the first time, how many years did it take you to realise that you were attracted to this man? The answer, many times, is, “five seconds”. Then I ask people who have had arranged marriages. When you met your prospective husbands for the first time, how many days or weeks or months did it take you to decide that this is the man I want to marry and spend the rest of my life with? The answer usually is, almost instantaneously. Then you can see the tenor of the workshop change. Love is at first sight. Trust can be created in an instant. 

Then I came across Vistasp Hodiwala, who was a very senior creative honcho in the advertising industry for the last 20 years. After getting frustrated with his work, where “the 'everyday' went from being just mundane to well-nigh insufferable”. He wanted to branch out on his own, when he was introduced to Vikram Gaikwad. Here is where it becomes interesting. The two advertising professionals had never met earlier. They were introduced to each other in a coffee shop, by a friend, whose sole motive was to introduce the two gentlemen. After a few sessions, 'Underdog Communications' was born. As Hodiwala says, “Even a couple of years ago, I would have had serious self-doubts about venturing out on my own. And now, here I am.” The two creative gentlemen are now in charge of their own destinies. They work with clients who think like them. They work with a sense of integrity towards their clients, creating an environment of intellectual growth and flourishing for their people. 

I do then with my friends as I do with my books. I would have them where I can find them, but I seldom use them. Then, though I prize my friends, I cannot afford to talk with them and study their visions, lest I lose my own.– Ralph Waldo Emerson in Friendship.

Other people matter, you need to remember that if you have entrepreneurial ambitions. 

Just like Diep Vu, a student from Vietnam who came to Bangalore to study Computers. Her stay was tough and most of all, she missed Vietnamese food. She would survive on the famous ghee rice on Brigade Road. She was staying in a hostel and eating out was expensive. So she decided to cook Vietnamese food in her hostel room. Getting permission to use gas cylinders was obviously tough, but she succeeded. Soon her friends became curious with the food she was cooking for herself. Strange as it may sound to many, two Punjabi girls started liking her food and started eating with her. Her reputation spread and the hostel folks found her food to be light and refreshing. That is also when she met Nirav Rajani, who later became her husband. Nirav became the “guinea pig”, tasting Vietnamese dishes that Diep kept churning out. They had some friends in a famous mall, and the idea of “Hanoi” a Vietnamese restaurant was born. They were sold out on the very first day of opening. People had to wait for an hour to get a table. Last week, again March, you see, Hanoi celebrated its first anniversary. 

When you are a stranger in a country like India, Other People Matter. Some encourage you to start an immensely successful restaurant, after perhaps being homes sick and eating ghee rice everyday. Some introduce you to a person with whom you start a new business. 

We were earlier talking about how sport can be inspirational to people. When you combine sport and cinema the impact is even more. A rather bizarre and pleasing story, which will make even Ms Stack, as a health coach, rather proud, is that of a very dear colleague Priyanka Mishra. She went to see actress Priyanka Chopra play Mary Kom and came away floored by her six-pack-abs. That was her source of inspiration. Priyanka M wanted Priyanka C’s abs. She changed her entire lifestyle and diligently found out what it takes (15% body fat, she informs me), therefore a healthy nutritional lifestyle and working out in the gym for two hours a day. In the last eight months, she has lost 14 kilos. 

Therefore, the Other People can even be silver screen celebrities. If our youth can be inspired towards a healthy and holistic lifestyle, we would make immense progress. It may be a close family member or a stranger, humans can make connections in an instant. It does not take time. That is one the biggest myths of building trust. 

When I coach people on work relationships, they often say that they seem to be giving so much and it is not reciprocated. I only can respond with Emerson again. 

It has seemed to me lately more possible than I knew, to carry a friendship greatly on one side, without due correspondence on the other. Why should I cumber myself with the poor fact that the receiver is not capacious? It never troubles the sun that some of his rays fall wide and vain into ungrateful space, and only a small part on the reflecting planet. – Ralph Waldo Emerson in Friendship 

A simple heartfelt thank you matters. This is where Dr Fredrickson’s intervention of putting the 'You back in Thank You' hit home for me. 

Take a moment to reflect: Call to mind someone who has recently showed you some kindness. Write out what you would say to this person if you were to send them a thank-you note to acknowledge their kind deed. You have colleagues who do something nice for you. Let's say they bring a large home-baked chocolate cake to work. What will be the normal response. “Oh thank you, we really enjoyed the cake”. It revolves around you the receiver and the kind gift that you received. If nobody gets you chocolate cake, think about someone who helped you prepare your slides for your presentation. Your “thank you” will sound pretty much like this, “Thank you so much, my presentation went of well. It helped me meet my deadline. I would have been in trouble”. The focus on “I or me” instead of You. 

Basically, what we do is, when are saying thank you, we turn the attention towards the gift we received and ourselves. It becomes all about me and the chocolate cake. It is about “me” and “my presentation”.

If only we could turn and keep the focus on the person. The statement would then be, "You are such a good baker. You are always experimenting. You are so thoughtful to think about what will make us happy. You always take so much effort. You are such a nice person." 

Alternatively, "I really appreciate you for taking the time out of your busy schedule. You worked hard to come up with a great solution. You always use your creativity to help everyone. You are a very generous person." 

Suddenly the focus shifts from the “things” to the person and the efforts and qualities of the person. When you put the “YOU” back into THANK YOU, friendships will flourish. 

As a new week begins, can you think of just today and take a challenge of saying just THREE HEARTFELT THANK YOUs to the people who do something nice for you?
Personally, I will remember March 2015 because of Dr Fredrickson, who is a role model of positivity. Her quest for the insights into human behaviour is unparalleled and have the ability to make things simple for everyone. Thank you. You have made a difference.

To my friend I write a letter and from him I receive a letter. That seems to you a little. Me it suffices. It is a spiritual gift, worthy of him to give and of me to receive. In these warm lines the heart will trust itself, as it will not to the tongue, and pour out the prophecy of a godlier existence than all the annals of heroism have yet made good. – Ralph Waldo Emerson in Friendship.