This March is Mine: The Power of Hugs

I never knew how to worship, until I knew how to love – Henry Ward Beecher 

As you read this, chances are that you are caught in the final maelstrom that is March. The early gust of summer heat and dust can already be felt. Soon the onslaught of the fiery rays of the summer sun will be on us and we will be waiting for the monsoon winds. 

Like I predicted in the last column, Wahab Riaz and Mitchel Starc have already demonstrated their friendship and mutual respect. I was delightfully wrong on another front - I thought that the Starc-Riaz event would perhaps, be the most enduring moment of the ICC World Cup 2015. I was wrong. The most enduring moment came when Grant Elliot of New Zealand hit a six off Dale Steyn in their semi final clash, who was by then inconsolably sprawled on the pitch. Instead of getting into celebrations straightway, Elliot walked across to Steyn and with what is being now described as the pure spirit of cricket, consoled the best contemporary fast bowler with the assurance of a pat on his soldier, saying much more than, well done, mate. 

The physical touch of reassurance by Grant Elliot would go on to become a process of restoration for Dale Steyn and ofcourse the cricketing fraternity which was getting sucked into sledging etc. Touch is under-rated, and worse, has been construed to mean mere sexual connotations. Touch can be healing. Touch can be uplifting. 

The toughest warriors commenced battle only after assurance of a hug from their comrades. The victorious came back to celebratory hugs. The defeated came back to the reassuring hugs of their fellow soldiers. That is how soldiers transform into warriors, when they can transcend from self-focus and use the power of touch to uplift another fallen warrior. In a field flooded with testosterone, cortisol out comes oxytocin, the same chemical that is released when you hug someone. 

Where and when did we learn to hug? Worse, where and when did we unlearn to hug? 

Think about it. Did anyone teach you how to hug? Children learn to hug and high five on their own. If you want to see the power of a hug, watch the final of any football tournament and you will be overwhelmed with images of opposition players hugging each other. For me the most enduring image of in the FIFA World Cup final between Germany and Argentia was the image of German captain Bastian Schweinsteiger hugging the Argentinian captain Lionel Messi, which was only outdone by the picture of David Luiz and Neymar consoling James Rodriguez. 

Fierce tennis rivalries on a court are ended with a hug after a game. Imagine if Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal were to adopt corporate practices of celebrations. I would often find it surprising that after receiving an email from someone two cabins away announcing a huge achievement, the instant reaction was to hit the reply all button instead of walking over to congratulate and hug the person. 

Imagine if Federer and Nadal were to do the same, after they confronted each other in one of their epic finals. Walk off the court, and send a “well done” email to each other after they play. The rule of thumb is, the tougher the match, the longer the hug. 

So on the last Monday of March, when we will be celebrating our victories, allow me to make a case, to bring in the power of a warm, long, all consuming, all encompassing, grizzly bear hug. 

Across gender, age and culture, a hug says a lot. At airports, one of the most enduring images at the departure gates are the hugs of farewell, only matched by the hugs of welcome just a hundred metres apart. During child birth and funerals, you will see people hugging each other.  

To repeat, once again, in a world filled with testosterone and adrenaline, you need the soothing of oxytocin. 

The word philosophy sounds high-minded, but it simply means the love of wisdom. If you love something, you don't just read about it; you hug it, you mess with it, you play with it, you argue with it. - Hugh Jackman

Personally for me, it has been a glorious March. Interacting with leaders and entrepreneurs during workshops and coaching sessions, getting inspired by them by witnessing how they stretch the limits of their own capabilities. If you have attended my workshops, there is always a 'hugs exercise'. Since all my workshops are based on science, a lot of people consider the hugs intervention to be solely a fun intervention. So here is the secret sauce behind the intervention. 

Usually, I never talk about the science and tomes of research, but recently, I met a client from the UK. We were talking around Positive Relationships and started talking about the hidden power of family gratitude and relationships. During the conversation, it came to me that largely thanks to the less talked about research on the power of touch, we have stopped using the power of a hug and the soft assurance of touch with our families. 

To add to that, a few of my friends recently had babies. Mathew J. Hertenstein in his paper on Human Development, called Touch: Its Communicative Functions In Infancy, discovered that in new born infants, the sense of touch is the most developed of all senses. It is not only in babies, research scientists say that humans use touch in both romantic and non-romantic situations such as flirting or comforting, love or status, in comforting and showing reconciliation and demonstrating playfulness. 

Hertenstein and Dacher Keltner also wrote a paper called The Communications of Emotion via touch. They found that with touch you could communicate anger, fear, disgust, love gratitude and sympathy. You could even communicate happiness and sadness. Researchers such as J Bowlby and H.F. Harlow have proven that touch is an important element of building a nurturing bond between babies and their caregivers. On the other hand, infants who do not get enough and proper touch show a higher sense of fear and mistrust along with a lower sense of curiosity and creativity. 

'That's why animals are so soft and huggy.” ― Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes: Scientific Progress Goes "Boink"

What does all this research mean to us? 

Scientists have discovered that a simple touch activates the same sensory parts of the brain as psychotropic drugs or chocolate, viz, the reward centres. A hug communicates everything. With a hug, you can stop a fight from escalating. With a hug, you can say a deeper thank you. With a hug, you can say a welcome that no other words can ever communicate. Scientists say that they can predict the likelihood of divorce based on the non-verbal communications such as gestures and touch. 

Touch can take the form of a hug or a high five. Instead of a grumpy good morning, try a warm handshake with your colleagues or spouse and children. Like I keep mentioning, strangers can become friends in an instant. The IPL tournament is starting. Go catch a game of your local team at a stadium. It is one of the best experiences where thousands of strangers create an instant bond and camaraderie. 

A scientist by the name Tanya Vacharkulksemsuk has coded what is called Behavioural Synchrony and how strangers can mirror each other. If you have ever been to a sports stadium, you will be surprised at how strangers will create a bond filled with high fives, handshakes, cheers, Mexican waves and ofcourse hugs. If you have ever been on a long train journey, strangers create a bond with their co-passengers through non-verbal communication of gestures such as adjustment, compromise and facilitation. 

Sometimes, when I say 'I'm okay.' I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say, 'I know you're not.' – Anonymous. 

You can communicate your sadness with a hug and be comforted by a hug. You can demonstrate an authentic vulnerability and surrender by a hug. 

So on the last Monday of March, consider celebrating your victories in March with a hug. 

Touch comes before sight, before speech. It is the first language, and the last, and it will always tell the truth. – Margaret Atwood