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ShareThe most effective instrument of relationship games is of course the mobile phone. If one were to add up the time they have spent through their lives in phrasing SMSes so that they are the perfect balance between casual yet interested they could have written the Das Kapital backwards by now. And then there are missed calls! The toxic energy generated by missed calls between lovers and spouses, would be enough to cause Hiroshima Part II.
Just when I had begun to think that girls were silly emotional creatures who over-imagine the worst when their man doesn't answer the phone, I discovered that men (and even some women) actually don't answer the phone on purpose! While in the beginning of a relationship it's to pique the other person's interest, after a while it becomes a tool to assert your independence and space. And after marriage? Well, its sheer resigned avoidance! A missed call can say a lot from genuinely busy to accident to infidelity to disinterest to callousness, and for a call with no one actually talking that's something!
One would think that remote contact on mobile phones may fuddle communication, but once face to face, what can come between two people and bare honesty? I had the naïve belief, that if not anywhere else, the bed is one place where all deception falls away and people can be their true selves with each other, at least in that intimate moment. Far from it, as it seems. As my married friends initiated me into the world of bedroom politics, the "Not tonight honey" is an LOC even the most hardened trooper can't cross. Especially when a man says it. And apparently you just cannot talk about this because it's an attack on his masculinity designed to send nuptial calisthenics into an even more downward spiral. So you grin and bear it and 'work on your relationship'; woe betide you, if you think of straying though. And unspoken sexual rejection becomes the Morse code for "I'm not good in bed", "He thinks I'm fat", "There must be someone else" and "He's already bored of me". In contrast if the LOC is laid down by the woman, her relative frigidity is immediate carte blanche for the man to look for warmer climes.
Whoever said that our most intimate relationships are honest and open and don't require us to play games was talking bollocks after one too many beers methinks. Be it parents, close friends, lovers or spouses, every relationship has a power lever and each party taking turns at cranking the handle to their advantage to create insecurity, demand respect, seek attention or become indispensable as the situation demands. It's this continuous state of slight uncertainty that provides the lubricant for most relationships.
Total honesty is a bit like 24 karat gold; great as a concept and impractical for day-to-day utility!
Because the basic truth remains that no matter how modern we are and how much we have progressed, the man is still the first among equals in any relationship and wisdom (or smart manoeuvering!) is in doing your own thing and yet keeping this status quo intact!
deblina@dnaindia.net
