You fall in love with a person, not a gender

My husband will always be grateful to my ex-girlfriend. He could never imagine, despite being friends for years, that I would be so open to letting my guard down. For someone uncomfortable with intimacy — even hugs, fart jokes or exploring sexual options — I am now spontaneous!

Exploring my feminine side didn’t come easy. My first marriage dissolved quickly and a string of relationships with poor sexual intimacy made me restless. I didn’t like jumping from one relationship to another, dealing with the stigma of being divorced, being teased as a nymphomaniac, yet unable to plug the void inside.

I decided to get off the dating Ferris wheel and stay celibate for a while. My dreams, however, were all active, colourful and explicit — increasingly with women. It also made me wonder whether the reason my relationships were failing was because I was dating the wrong sex.

A culmination of childhood events, my over-cloying girl crushes, the women I idolised, my comfort with hugging, holding women only added power to my belief. These thoughts propelled my homophobia significantly — and a roller coaster of emotions — from angst, rage, to silence and despair. Finally, a BFF set me up with a friend’s niece.

The first date was magical. As she chivalrously dropped me off at the door, it felt phenomenal to be treated with such respect, patience and most importantly, so much gentleness.

She cajoled, wooed, talked… and it was a mutual dance. The feverish dating unleashed who I always wanted to be — romantic, practical, intense, childish, whiner and yes, a sexual being. Suddenly, an innocent act of having a shower while my girlfriend watched unleashed fantasies. Hanging with her brought in other queer friends and undercurrents of jealousy and possessiveness.

I could imagine shopping for groceries, debating on movies, enjoying a massage without it leading somewhere, and even adopting kids. Meanwhile, the outer world knocked louder and louder. Colleagues wondered about hushed conversations, parents sensed some movement in my life… but I couldn’t answer them honestly. This inability to commit publicly, the girlfriend’s possessiveness and need to control caused fights. Breaking up with her was the hardest thing. But contentment, friendship, dating other women and hanging out with queer friends brought to fore my inability to accept myself; and that you fall in love with a person, not a gender.

I am happily married to a man now. Exploring this ‘other side’ of me makes me more capable of handling tough times, confrontations and be vocal about my sexual desires. The most important outcome is that today, I don’t label myself or my relationship. I could be bisexual straight, lesbian, single, boring, married…. But I am finally happy to be me!

(The writer is a 39-year-old marketing professional from Mumbai, and is happy to have found love — irrespective of the gender)

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