Woman of letters: To Mars, from Earth

Dear Martians,
I know the sights and sounds of our Mars Orbiter Mission nosing around in your space might have alarmed you, so this letter is my way of assuring you of my planet's good intentions and honorable purpose.
We come as friends. Not to annex your territories or conquer your people, but to bring you the gift of our wisdom and share with you the fruits of our evolutionary superiority.

But introductions first: we are earthlings, belonging to the beautiful planet next door to yours, a planet so filled with wonder and beauty that it often moves us to tears.
We have vast oceans (though I must admit they are drying up now), and high snow-capped mountains (er, they're currently melting due to a screw up by us) and a symphony of seasons — winter, spring, summer and fall (though we've messed them up too).

Besides our beautiful landscapes and weather, we have our animal kingdom. We were blessed with the most wondrous and magnificent creatures: elephants (which we hunt and kill for their tusks), rhinos (which we hunt and kill for their horns), tigers (which we hunt and kill for their skins) and a host of other majestic creatures like Amur Leopards, Cross River Gorillas, Hawksbill Turtles and Blue Whales (all, I must admit, on the endangered species list).

But let's leave aside our animals and our failure to protect them — we have so much more to offer you: after all, our planet has given birth to some of the world's greatest leaders, men of integrity and of peace, compassion, foresight and vision: like Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., Abraham Lincoln and Harvey Milk (er, what's that you say? Yes, unfortunately they were all killed by us because of jealousy, hatred and pettiness).

But let's not dwell alone on our leaders, we have so much else to offer. Like our great religions: Christianity, Islam and Hinduism, among others. Each one propagating peace and love and understanding of the other, each one teaching the tenets oneness and brotherhood. (yes, you've heard correctly, the followers of all are fighting against each other, wreaking untold havoc and grievous injury and pain on not only each other but on the planet itself).

But put aside the sadness of what we have done to each other in the name of religion. That is but a small matter when you look at the glory of our species after all.

We come to you O Martians, bringing the glory of the human species-man and woman, the most magnificent specimens of planet Earth.

Men and women who respect and support each other through their various strengths and vulnerabilities, who together raise children, build lasting relationships and propagate the species.

(What's that you say? Er, yes, we do have instances of violence against women, rape, assault, forced circumcision and genocide; and yes, you've heard correctly, there is a breakdown of relations between the two genders with both genders claiming disrespect, hostility, and misunderstanding — but hey, no one's perfect as you know, dear Martians).

So with all these great and glorious achievements we come to you, dear Martians, to impress you with our planetary superiority and intelligence. What? You say you are not impressed by us and not interested in meeting us? What? You want us to leave immediately? What? You're closing the door on our face?!! Hey wait, Martians, please reconsider, and please let us in! We're very desperate, dear Martians! We come in peace! We need help!! We've messed up really badly! You're our only hope Martians!! SOS!!!

Yours sincerely etc

The writer believes in the art of letter writing