The darker shade of love

It’s not my fault really. Colour coding is in the air everywhere. Red states v/s blue states, saffron brigade v/s green morchas, black hope v/s white cynicism; wherever I look, the world is being cut up and defined  by a vibgyor shade. So in the midst of my countless phone/googlechat/msn sessions doling out SOS and TLC to friends in relationship woes, their exes — and sometimes both — I am struck by how the tricky terrain of love bleaches out from a tender n’ passionate red to a raw n’  callous e-cru (emotional cruelty, duh!) before one can say Jack Robinson. (On second thoughts, who says that anymore? Change it to Jack Sparrow or Jack Daniels or Jack the Ripper or something!) And suddenly ecru isn’t a paler shade of beige; it’s a darker shade of love.
Let’s face it; most of our lessons in love come from pop culture. What constitutes ‘hot’ and ‘sexy’, how to flirt, where to say “I love you”, even how to put on the moves after dark. But no one teaches us how to save the hurt and rescue hearts when love gets tough. What else explains the harsh words we mete out to the people we love the most?
Years ago I had laughed while seeing Harry Met Sally when a tragicomic Billy Crystal narrates how his wife left him saying, “I don’t know if I have ever loved you.” The full weight of the cruelty of this line hit me when I eventually saw an entire relationship unravel around this one line uttered during a heated fight. Hearts broke, ties snapped and people changed. And even when the lines changed their impact remained rock-solid. From stony I-don’t-cares in the face of genuine distress to icy deal-with-its in response to yelps of heartbreak, we are all guilty of having uttered cruel insensitive words to people we have loved the most.

And just when I thought it couldn’t get harsher than rough words said in joust, I discovered that the weapon of silence is — despite the cliché — sharper and louder than words. Indeed, there is no greater frustration than an altercation ending in one-sided silence. While one party labours under hurt, anger and eventual self-flagellation, the other remains protected under a blanket of silence to escape facing uncomfortable home truths. And soon an interval turns into an eternity and a chasm morphs into the Grand Canyon into which everything that ever mattered to two people has fallen and gotten lost, be it companionship, warmth or sexual desire.

And as I sift through heartbreaks galore — mine and others — I realise the knottiest lesson of all. That there is no one single villain of the piece. An e-cru perpetrator isn’t necessarily someone on an emotional high ground being vindictive for the joy of it. Usually it’s someone who is scared of confronting their own demons, confused about difficult choices and too weak to face the music of their own action or inaction. And that’s why it’s the toughest to walk away from those who hurt us the most. Because these are also the people who know us best and whose flaws often mirror ours.

So what’s the panacea to this love cul de sac? Unfortunately there is no quick-fix solution I know of. (Else I would have had copious doses of it by now!) It’s easy to say “communicate sans ego” when you’re not the one hurt by below-the-belt barbs. It’s easier to say “leave this shitty relationship” when you haven’t known the moments of togetherness and understanding that make all the pain seems worth it. But for me I think a simple rule of thumb is devout adherence to relationship karma. I always seem to get as good as I give (or rather as bad as I give!), so I have decided to give kindness and respect in order to get the same. That means not stringing along men I have absolutely no interest in, not deflating them based on their looks and sexual prowess (or rather, lack of!) and definitely not dumping them by turning up at their house party with another man on my arm! And hallelujah, god will administer some quick quid pro quo!

PS: If god is too busy solving bigger things like the stock market mess or terrorism in hsis name, he can send his (and our) fave messenger boy who also happens to be a colour bar expert. Since he recently managed to blend black n’ white America into a grey mass of blubbering joy, maybe Mr Obama will be able to blur the red n’ e-cru divide as well.   

deblina@dnaindia.net