Teenage years often bring conflicts

1.My mother is not very happy with my choice of friends, as they smoke, but they are very good people at heart. How do you think as a 14-year-old boy can I convince her that I won’t be influenced and I don’t intend to smoke.

Thanks for writing in. I understand how perplexing this can be for you. Friends are such an active and important part of a teenager’s identity, so being caught in this crossfire can be extremely frustrating for you. I think a good way to address this is to begin by asking her what some of her fears are. Then begin by telling them, what these friends mean to you and the qualities about them which you like. From what I understand, your mother’s fears come from a space where she thinks that peer pressure might make it tough for you to say no, when everyone smokes. It may help to assure her that you already have taken a stand to not smoke. Specify how it’s their supportive nature, goodness that is a criteria for our friendship. It’s clear to me that you care for your mother and your friends, so choosing to dialogue with her, listening to her side of the story would help. Also ask her, what possibly can you do that would allay some of her fears. This can be a tough conversation, but it’s important to address it. Teenage years often bring conflicts, new habits, new value system so it becomes essential to keep the doors of communication open with your parents. I hope she responds to you with an openness and understanding where you are coming from.

2.As a parent, I sometimes worry for my son, who only has couple of close friends and chooses to limit his interactions only to them. Aren’t teenagers supposed to hang out in big groups? Will he be lonely?

You are worried that your son should not feel isolated or alone. It’s a very valid concern. However, having said that, it is the child’s temperament, whether it’s extroverted, introverted or an ambivert (a blend of extraversion/introversion where most of us lie) which decides how they interact with their friends. Till the time your son has few close friends, I don’t think you have any reason to worry. And of course, some teenagers hang out in bigger groups which are more like activity friends, other teenagers may prefer personal interactions and conversations on a one - one basis. Both are absolutely fine and each teenager’s personality, temperament impacts their choices around friendships. I suggest, be mindful and if you find him unhappy, engage in a dialogue, listen to him, before you give your inputs. Sometimes teenagers can be lonely even in big groups, so big groups don’t prevent us from being lonely.

Sonali Gupta is a clinical psychologist with 12 years of experience. She works with children, parents and young adults to enhance their emotional and social well-being.

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