SHEE SHEE TV, writes Sajid Khan

Of late, I’ve been religiously finishing off the final draft of my latest script with my writers, over the past few weeks. Just to break the monotony, my writers invited me to their home for one of the sessions. Today’s entire column is about my adventurous journey from the parking in their society to reaching their flat.

Toh bhaiya aisa hua that their building is in Lokhandwala’s narrowest lane.  I mean, really narrow. I mean like cyclists have to think twice before entering the lane. I mean like its easier for you to take a U-turn inside your car than it is for your car to take a U-turn inside this lane. I mean, I could literally see people walking sideways here. Toh aisi lane mein jahan skateboard park karna mushkil hai gaadi kaise park karoon?

My driver, Satyamurti came up with a brilliant plan to park the car inside the society compound. When I showed him the huge sign which read ‘Visitors’ Car Parking Strictly Not Allowed’, he replied, “Watchman ko Rs50 ka patta pakda.parking ke saath do woh apni gaadi bhi dholega!” That’s when I realised that there was no satya in this murti. His name should have been beimaanmurti. Nevertheless, he was right. We did park the car in a empty parking spot in the society. Obviously in another member’s parking. 

Have you ever seen a greyhound dog running in a dog race? Kya speed hai na? Greyhound doggy se faster ek chillata hua watchman bhaag ke aaya. “Idhar pyyarking not allowed. Yeh secretary syaabzee ka pyyarking hai.

Woh syaam ko aake humko marega.” I politely told this Kathmandu export that the car would be parked only for a couple of hours and the driver would move it if required. He replied “Gaadi bahar nikalo warna donde se hum kaach phod dale ga.”  Still, politely, I told this typical stereotype 80’s filmy watchman that I was willing to give him a generous tip of Rs50, if he let me park the car there.  His reply was outstanding. “Syaabzee hum gareeb zaroor hai magar bikau nahi hai. Main aapko Rs50 doonga agar aap gyaadi bahar lagaoge”. Hearing this, Satyamurti got very upset and told me, “Saala, humko kharidne chala hai, woh bhi Rs50 mein. Kumuskum Rs100 toh offer karta!” 

I wanted to join a club and beat Satyamurti on the head with it! Again, politely I asked the Nepali Knight how much money he wanted for two hours of parking? He replied “Ooperwala hyumko bhooka zagaata zaroor hai magar bhooka sulata nahi hai. Hum izzyat ka khatta hai, izzyat ka kamaata hai.” Satyamurti  replied “Wah”.

This is when I realised that the workers of the world could unite and overthrow car-owners like me in their revolution. I could have sworn I heard the watchman whisper “Viva zyaappttaaa”. Bas, that was it. I gave him Rs500 and told him that even most expensive malls don’t charge that much for parking. He looked at me angrily and told me, “Piasha andar seediyon pe dena. Idhar nahi kyuke sheeshee tv chyaloo hai.” I told him that  CCTV ka toh pata nahi magar tu bahut chaloo hai.”

Satyamurti replied, “Wah!” I fired Satyamurti. I hired Meenbahadur.