Scenes on an airplane, writes Shweta Bachchan Nanda

Airplanes are just ripe for people-watching. Not unlike aquariums, we are all packed in like sardines and forced to share oxygen in an enclosed space. Like different schools of fish that display characteristics particular to them, so do your fellow travellers. Love it, hate it or be indifferent to it, here are the four types of fellow passengers you are likely to encounter on a flight...

THE PHOBICS:

Having already downed their coffee (diluted with intoxicant of choice) and bagged the window seat, out of which they keep peering like their life depended on it and spasmodically gripping and un-gripping the armrest (or their unfortunate fellow passengers’ limbs), this lot are only the second worst people to be seated next to, on a flight. What with their constant ringing for the steward to enquire about turbulence and scouring the route map, you’ll be lucky if you can get any shut-eye. In the event of having to be seated next to one, make sure you are equipped with earplugs, eye mask, empathy and patience.

THE FAMILY:

One exasperated dad a heartbeat away from a slipped disc caused by loading and unloading the family luggage. One beleaguered mom (in obligatory chocolate-stained couture) exhausted from keeping wilful kids running riot, and two (minimum) kids who during the course of your journey may well have to be peeled off the floor where they have planted themselves in violent vocal agitation to any adult instruction. This is what nightmares are made of; seasoned flight attendants brace themselves when the “Family” party boards their aircraft. Dad will spend the entire flight getting things in and out of the overhead compartment, while mom is ragged from lack of sleep on account of trying to keep her brood under control. Good news is they’re happy to swap seats, and I would strongly urge you do so if the opportunity presents itself. Otherwise, buckle up; it’s going to be one hell of a ride.  

THE SUIT:

Easily identified in regulation blue shirt over suit pants, laptop bag hung over one shoulder and shouting instructions into their smartphone till literally airborne, they spend the flight chatting up pretty stewardesses, expounding knowledge on everything from politics to pop stars and put every waking minute on board to use, working on their next presentation from their laptop. Not the worst people to be sitting next to, you’ll pick up a tip or two on the markets whether you like it or not.

THE SLEEPER:

The darlings of crews, and the scourge of chatty Cathys everywhere, this type of passenger prefers night flights, is usually dressed for comfort (track pants) won’t make excessive conversation, won’t eat, won’t even stir during turbulence, but will wake up ever so often, pull off their eye mask and give the shrieking kids two seats over serious stink-eye! A blessing to be sat next to, unless you get a drooler or worse a snorer; that being the case, under no circumstances is smothering with a pillow, advisable. Chanting ‘inner peace’ for the duration of your journey however, is known to do wonders for your inflight experience, not to mention your karma.  

Bon Voyage!