Playing the Secret Santa

Just like investment bankers, IT professionals and double MBA’s and anybody else who has lost their job, I too would love to play secret Santa Claus. Of course, a Secret Santa Claus is still very much Santa Claus and is very much bound by the Santa Claus code of conduct, of 1358.

This includes the fact that Santa should not scratch nozzles or touch anyone in an unsavoury manner. He may not disobey in public, no matter how sunny the climate is. He may also not avail himself of fashionable dreadlocks, peak caps or double breasted jackets. He must not parade in his Speedo swimmimg costume. He must not consume anything from the mini-bar. And above all, he must not, may not, shall not change his costume colours from the passe red to in-vogue blue.

As a Secret Santa I will first work towards solving the world’s four major problems. Number one, terrorism can be tackled by feeding the terrorists the right cuisine. Parsee cuisine has the right proportions to wean any terrorist away from terrorism. Show me one terrorist, who has been raised on Salli Boti, Sas ne Macchi, and Jardaloo Prawn Palav.

If you do that, I’ll show you nine bearded elephants balancing on a jelly bean. Number two, recession — we can increasse job availabilities by localising and delegating Santa’s responsibilities to smaller communities. The Elf  force can be increased and thus more presents will be generated. Now, since there will be a demand for more presents, unemployed people can fill in.

A wife could give out her husband as a present to a close friend. Who in turn may or may not keep the present. Her/he would have the option of going to the Claus Bank nearby and exchanging the husband for some petty cash.  Third, global warming — for years there has been a simple solution to tackling global warming. In fact global warming can be tackled overnight. ... err, literally.

This is by simply switching your daily routine into two hour work day and 22 hours leisure. Less work more play is the only answer to reducing carbon footprints. Next up is, disease. The sexually transmitted ones. This, along with house music has to be curbed.

As Santa I would put a stop to this menace by making sure all men and women dress up as Santa, wigs, beard et al. Except for a miniscule number from our population, most Santas will refrain from interaction with another Santa. Let’s face it the famous Mommy Kissing Santa Claus was all one way trafiic. On a micro-level, I’d do what all red blooded Santa’s would do: check out the ladies changing room. 

P.S. A special noite to Pranab Mukerjee, Sir please can you waive the ‘gift’ tax this season as it’s killing the Santa market worldwide?
P.P.S. If you do this I’ll return the favour and keep Santa Claus away from your Mommy.