Patriarchy in the playground

Picture this. The pub is pulsing. The lights are dim. The music is loud. And the drinks, overpriced. Raj is with a group of his co-workers celebrating a colleague’s birthday. There are a thousand other places Raj would rather be, but let us not digress…

Raj has to drive home early tonight. There are reports to be made and presentations to be prepared. He nurses his beer as he makes polite conversation. On a whim, the Birthday Bro orders a round of Jägerbombs. For the uninitiated, that’s a shot of 61-proof liquor dunked in a pint of beer and chugged in one go.

Raj refuses politely. Birthday Bro insists. Raj continues to refuse. And then, the Birthday Bro brings out the big guns. He looks disapprovingly at Raj and asks him: “Kya be, ladki ki tarah kyun behave kar raha hai?” (Why are you behaving like a girl, bro?) Within earshot, a female colleague sniggers. Raj goes red in the ears.

Cut to a few hours later: the reports and presentations lie unfinished, but Raj sits on the bathroom floor hugging his commode like a long lost brother.

You must have heard this story before. It all begins when we are children, as a playground taunt. Soon it finds its way into the workplace and our adult lives. From a young age, patriarchy teaches men that they are stronger and better than women. Men are taught that women aren’t just competition, they’re unworthy competition. So when a female colleague wins a well-deserved promotion, the patriarchal forces quickly trigger feelings of resentment in the men susceptible to them. Soon, they’re fuming around the water cooler whispering “she probably slept her way to the top”. This resentment rapidly evolves into feelings of inadequacy and depression.

Patriarchy’s onslaught against men just about begins there. Cultural norms of masculinity require men to suffer stoically. Being sensitive, emotional or seeking help are seen as effeminate traits. Boys pick this up at a tender age, when well-meaning parents console their weeping wards with that old lie — ‘boys don’t cry’. Growing up, violence and anger are normalised as a response to feelings of sadness or emotional pain. Without a culturally-approved outlet for their feelings, this stifling of emotion has led generations of men to turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms like alcohol and substance abuse. When coupled with the general stigma associated with mental health issues, it comes as no surprise that psychologists dub suicide a silent killer among men.

Patriarchy is slowly chipping away at some of the most gifted minds of our generation — both male and female. It is all pervasive. It must be fought at all fronts. But here’s a small battle that I would like to highlight. That I would like you, dear reader, to fight alongside me. The next time you encounter an idiot like Raj’s Birthday Bro who taunts you with accusations of femininity, for heaven’s sake don’t fall for that old trick. It’s about time we stood our ground.

Bye now, I’ve got to go hug my commode.

(Arvind Menon is a 27-year-old advertising professional living in Mumbai)

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