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| Edited By: Sajid Khan |Source: DNA |Updated: Jul 27, 2016, 07:25 AM IST
Hum bahut sensitive ho gaye hain. Actually, over-sensitive. Make that intolerably, extra over-sensitive. Anything that you say (and I mean anything) can be misconstrued to the point where you have to apologise. Not for profit or gain, but just for kicks. Nahin samjhe? Samjhata hoon, samjhata hoon.
Recently, I was with some highly over-educated people at a super-exclusive dinner. One of the ladies who looked thoda-sa feminist types kept on giving me bad looks. And quite honestly, I couldn’t understand why. Every time I crossed her, I smiled at her politely, but she kept giving me Alaskan looks. Ab main sochoon, did she watch Himmatwala first day-first show? Was I ever involved with her cousin sister or a close friend? Or does she just hate my guts? Now, throughout the night, anytime I tried to say something, she would cut me off. Either with ‘you Bollywood people’, or with ‘you men’.
When I asked the host, “Yaar, where’s the gents’ room”, she said, “How dare you?” And I am like, “What? How dare I what?” She angrily said, “Why do you have to discriminate? This is somebody’s house, not a restaurant or one of your single-screen cinemas. The very fact that you called it the gents’ room proves that you are a male chauvinist pig. Why can’t you just call it the restroom?”
I swear I wanted to put her mouth in a room and rest it. Magar kyun ki yeh high-class ameeron ki party thi, I just politely smiled and told her, “I am sorry if I have offended you. I just called it the gent’s room out of habit.” She barked back, “It is this habit of you people which is the problem. And when there’s nothing else to say, all you can say is sorry, hoping the problem will go away. But let me tell you something. Things are changing rapidly. It’s high time men like you also change.”
She was right. It was time for a change. Time for me to change my seat away from her. I got up saying, “Excuse me”. But OSAMA was not in the mood to excuse me. OSAMA??? Yes, Osama….Over Sensitive Aunty Meri Adversary. “So you are admitting to being a chauvinistic pig by saying that men like you need to be excused?” I politely smiled at her and moved away.
I was then in deep conversation with Mr Muzambe Nykotu, a renowned English Literature scholar from Kenya. When he asked me who my favourite English literature author was, I said ‘Shakespeare’. Bas, maine itna hi bola ke OSAMA came out of hiding and attacked me “Good Lord, not only are you Bollywood people chauvinistic, but also very racist.” And I was dumbfounded. RACIST!!! How am I racist?
OSAMA bombed back, “Just because a man is of black ethnic origin, you have to remind him about his ancestors? You purposely said Shakespeare so that he could get a hint that he shakes his spear and that he is a spear chucker.” It would have been better off had you just used the N-word.” Like Shylock, I wanted to extract one pound of her flesh, but ki farak painda, 600 kgs would still remain. I wanted to hit her on the head with a pressure cooker, till two whistles happened. It would be A Tale Of Two Ceetees. Sorry, Mr Dickens.
Ignoring Osama Chachi, I asked the host, “Can I step outside for a fag?” Crash! Boom! Bang! OZY chachi, shouted, “If you can’t be politically correct, at least be correct. How can you make fun of someone’s sexual orientation? What people do in their bedrooms is their private matter.” Bhagwaan bachaye mujhe Osama Chachi se. I told her, “I haven’t said anything wrong. I asked him could I step outside for a smoke?” She woofed, “You said fag!!! Obviously, you are indicating to that gentleman standing over there in that corner.” I saw a very zindagi se hara hua, depleted man. Zaroor Osama ka pati hoga.
I told her, “Ma’am, fag is another word for a cigarette. Smokers usually say that. And just for your kind information, many of my close friends are gay. She fired back, “Oh so you are bisexual?” I replied, “No ma’am, right now I am good-bye sexual.” And I walked off. Imagine my surprise the next day, when the host told me that she was a guest’s guest’s neighbour who wanted to come to this party. Some people, I tell you!
Toh bhaiyya, moral of the story kya hai? Whether you are sensitive or insensitive, just remember both the words start with ‘sense’. Use your sense, try being politically correct and stop judging people by stereotyping them. I have to go now for Osama Chachi’s funeral. Yes, it’s true. She over-ate at the party and died of diarrhoea.
I’m kidding, I just wanted to make you smile. Good Lord, you smiled? Reading about somebody else’s death? Say sorry. Apologize!! On Twitter, Facebook, or through your PR person. Sorry bola? Ok…chalo, who’s next?
